from self harm to selfie: 1. being beyonce

it may seem strange that a psychotherapist who is trained to be a kind of mysterious figure is so open about their own mental health struggles. i am doing this to be part of the action to remove stigma from mental health.

i am breaking free of complex ptsd.

a couple of months ago i did this angel card reading whilst at a friends house. i picked three cards from doreen virtues delightful pack, one for the past, one for the present and one for my future.

the cards told me i have learnt from my past, and that currently i am a powerful manifestor. the third card was all about chakras and balancing chakras and the importance of keeping myself in alignment through balancing the chakras.

so i decided to take notice and manifested some chakra tuning forks for the bargain price of £20. they hung around a week or so without me using them until one night, when i finally remembered, i decided to use one to clear my solar plexus chakra, which is located in the stomach area. i did not really know what the solar plexus is all about apart from that it is something to do with creativity and the colour yellow, and that my creativity felt a bit, well, scared i guess. i defy get so so so so many ideas then fear stops me getting them out there. plus yellow is my favourite colour 🙂

anyway, i knocked the tuning fork with the beater and i listened to the frequency in each ear for a while, and then put the fork on my solar plexus. i had no instructions, working intuitively, i kept hitting the fork to listen to the sound and feel the vibration on my body for around ten minutes, making sure i was breathing in and out well and calmly and trustingly (if trustingly is a word!).

then i went to sleep…

and oh my that night i dream i was beyonce! beautiful beyonce belting out a song on stage from the solar plexus area of my body that i worked on. wow wow wow it was sensational being beyonce. beyond sensational. i was a goddess, a queen, the queen of queens, the queen of thrones, so so SOOOOO in my power i can’t find the words. sparkling, radiant, light, the sun, illuminating, aware of such beauty yet with no sense of ego and wanting to empower others. aware that we are all radiant beings. and the release from that song, singing my heart out, singing my soul out, was so healing. healing whilst i slept.

in the morning out of bed i leapt, instead of feeling like the usual slug that slowly crept along the floor.

now wouldn’t it be amazing if in real life i was actually able to sing like beyonce after that dream!? I tell you i would not be sitting here now writing this blog but instead rehearsing the tunes for my first live lounge session in a local pub. erm, what would i sing? some songs from my happy playlist (i put together a playlist of songs to reprogram my neuropathways to a better thinking place). ThankYou by alanis morrisette. i would sing Halleluia, i would sing Halo by beyonce. god i love that song. i sing it now, i have shivers all over me, and i can definitely sing a bit better, cause i know what it feels like to sing so well in my dream. i would sing on you tube videos, i would film myself now, and i would have finally found my true vocation! (i always wanted to be a singer and at a ‘starting college interview’ age 16 i had the audacity to say, when asked what i wanted to do, “i want to be a singer”.

“have you had singing lessons?” asks the tutor.

“No”, I say, and i get back into my little box with my little voice and dare not mention it again. i mean that man interviewing me may of said “deft go get some lessons’ cause thats a good thing to do, a step toward my dreams right? but i with my cptsd frame of reference would of heard “yeah you really need lessons, who the fuck do you think you are? Beyonce?” or maybe madonna, seeing as beyonce she was probably around 8 at the time… i blame you Mrs Brignall, terrible music teacher at fragile age 7 telling me i could not read music even though i could play recorder by ear. being a rubbish teacher stealing the dreams of little children should be illegal).

anyway, back to being beyonce… sparkling, golden, leotard on, fishnets on and dancing round to all the single ladies and not even wondering why the hell he did not put a ring on it (he did, then pawned that beautiful ring for cocaine). see even beyonce has that sasha fierce character doesn’t she? maybe i am actually being sasha fierce in the dream. i can still tune in to standing on the side of that stage now, breathing into my clear chakra balanced chest, knowing i am glorious, knowing we are all glorious, knowing i am at the top of my potential. i can sing, i have power. but there is a huge thing stopping me in real life…

i utterly hate hate hate having my photo taken. i have had two taken with my knowledge since having my little girl (thats in 3 years). sigh. i have not lost any of the baby weight. in fact, as i was so extremely exhausted i put more weight on as i would eat more and more and more carbohydrates, and as i was so amazingly anxious i would drink more and more wine.

i hate hate hate looking in the mirror. and so i have made it my own challenge to find this outer self love, to overcome this super high barrier, to find my sasha fierce, to be better than i am outside my inside, as inside a lot of the time i feel pretty damn special. or know i am. and even though i really do pretty much hate selfies i am determined to be able to take some, hopefully without filters, and be able to look in a mirror.

i have started running. which is a miracle. thank you God.

i am not sure how long it will take. but there may be a few chapters of self harm to self. the photos and mirror used to trigger me, i used to rub my face off with a towel until it was swollen and bleeding, taking weeks to heal. i would (and still did last night due to dreams/fear of powerful women) rub away my vision so i could not see what i detest. i am wary of painted women. give me real dont give me fake. but i need to tune into this beyonce beauty, the beyonce braveness, the talent.

kim kardashian has even appeared in my dreams as a good friend… i help her with her inside soul work and she helps me take selfies… thanks kim 🙂

also all of august i have been getting sent empowering messages from carla gladyt who runs empowerment courses for empaths at http://journeybacktoself.com i have been learning more about self care, grounding, keeping positive, being alone (god, did i used to battle with this…), letting go of what does not serve you. please check out her site if you too are a highly sensitive person.

so, i am going to keep learning about chakras and tuning them up. wonder what will happen next…

if you identify with this post please follow me on the journey and share your own stories about tuning into a beyonce type energy. please comment with any of your own stories of self loathing, self love tips or even selfies! also, if you want some chakra balancing done please message me.