June 2005

1st June
Watch Sex and City to cheer myself up. Carrie has written a book all about Big. She sees Big and he wants to know if he really was such a shit. Remind you of someone? In the future that is, if I could just get something written down.
Today has been horrid, tomorrow I’m gonna make myself look beautiful and get out there!

2nd
Ok today but Nisha been sad about Si and I, jealous about Jim and I, worried about Si getting a new daughter…
Oh my poor princess. I wish I could make it better for her.

3rd
Went out last night to see a band play. It was fab. Was saying to my friend how my ideal man is a musician and he said I “set my sights too high”. That really annoyed me, I hate that attitude. But maybe I’m so annoyed because he’s right? Ended up crying little tears for Jim as I really want him.
Had a dream telling me that I need to flirt more. An old beautiful friend Juliet was in it.
Think Juliet!
– explain Juliet

5th June
Can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about Jim. Can’t smoke, dying for cig, can’t write.
Please God get me through the night without rubbing my eyes and face.
Maybe tonight I’ll dream about the man who’s coming my way…………
I cry myself to sleep. I remember it’s been a few days since I had the feeling that I wasn’t real. That’s positive.

So why am I not writing?
I don’t know the ending
fear
want to get over it
I am tired

7th
Started writing! Went down to Exmouth early and wrote for 3 hours. Has taken mind off of Jim no end. I think it was good writing too.
Today has been very lovely and sunny and I have felt pretty much the same.
Maybe tonight I’ll dream…….

8th
Feel a bit more over Jim today, only think of him when something reminds me (all sorts of music, places we went to) am scared that this means I won’t write anymore.

10th
It’s been a good day, started so badly (ill, tired, late for work, PMT feeling fat and ugly).
Think am over Jim, though would love to hear from him soon.
Thank you God x

Things I hate
not having enough time to make myself look great

12th 1.30p.m.
Day at work. Then sleep. Then out with Jo to Timer. Then cry in toilet briefly as so want someone to make me feel beautiful. I can do that myself to a point but oh my god I miss Jim.
Trying to keep the faith. Jeff Buckley playing in my head.

13th
Jim texted. Not a nice one, very mate-y. Not texted back as phone busted. He wants to “pop round” Thursday to get key, book, video. Said “nice one”! Can’t believe that.

14th
Text him back, got my power back. Just was honest, no games, said “Not sure about Thursday. Will let you know”. I feel so great! Am getting there!

Had a Paul Evans dream. It’s like seeing an angel as on waking I feel so happy and complete and then I realise it’s been a dream and end up feeling a kind of happy/sad feeling.

But anyway, this is what happened.
I’m in his bedroom, it looks like Jim’s but a bit bigger. I’m not sure how I got there but I am there on my own (no Nisha). We are in bed, dressed, glad we’ve found each other, just laughing and having the most wonderful kisses. We don’t talk about it all, all the years. I tell him I’m writing a book about it all. I’m so natural with him.
A small aeroplane crashes down the side of the house (my house now) but it’s only a toy one. (What the hell does that mean?)

Been a good day. Had writing class. Bit worried won’t write book.

“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure. . .”
James Blunt

15th
Another day, no writing. Have been doing so much in the day that come evening I’m really too tired to focus on it.
And of course I’m scared.
Tomorrow evening I’ll write, or maybe at work I’ll get some done.
It’s been a good day. Nisha is still sad and says about missing a little boy she met at nursery called Thomas. Got her to write down her happy memories of him and she went to sleep happy. Maybe she’ll dream of him!

19th June
I haven’t written for 4 days and have been rubbing my eyes for 3 nights.
So why am I not writing and why am I rubbing eyes?
I feel I don’t have enough ‘me’ time, because of this project at school.
I’m not believing in it anymore.
(Not believing in it makes me rub my eyes.)

Later . . .
I really feel like I can’t write, like I don’t believe, like what’s the point, like the magic is gone, like I’m kidding myself, like there’s something missing.
Work was boring. I didn’t feel interested in anything, not connected. I prayed a little. I went to the gym.
Tomorrow is another day.
Where is the love?

Nisha was upset again about her great granddad. I’m not sure how to help her deal with the idea of death. I feel it’s best if she just accepts it and makes sure that each day she tries her best and makes the most of life. My mum says she’ll need counselling but I hope I can give her all I know so she doesn’t. She needs to know that being deep isn’t a bad thing. I always thought it was. I’ll let her pray and believe in it all but most of all I want her to believe in herself and in love.

20th
So fed up again, tired, PMT.
Can’t write, still missing Jim, still don’t want to see him as still angry.
Can’t wait till the weekend, to go out and have some fun.

I just want another chance,
With Jim or Paul.

Dawn, summer solstice

Please let there be magic today.
Please let me see it again.

When you try your best
But you don’t succeed
When you get what you want
But not what you need
Stuck in reverse

When tears come streaming
Down your face
When you lose something
You can’t replace
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When you’re too in love
To let it go but
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle,
You can’t find your missing piece?

21st June
I feel shit.
Feel like I’m not getting anywhere, am doing too much, lost, like nobody will ever love me, like I’ll never love anyone, like I’m not in control, fat, ugly, talentless, tired of it all, that this will never end, trapped.

22nd
I feel better! Don’t know why, maybe the full moon, but anyway.
I had a dream about Jim last night. He turned up on my doorstep looking very short, hair awful, teeth super yellow, but I still loved him and I told him so.

25th
I find a bag in the charity shop saying ‘The world revolves around me’. I decide to carry it everywhere.

“My life is brilliant”
“the thunder sounds like Indian drums” <—–Nisha aged 5

SPACE FOR CINEMA TICKET (A LOT LIKE LOVE)
26th
Didn’t see Jim, texted a bit, told him how I feel, feel better for doing so.
Planning on posting his stuff tomorrow and there’s only 3 things I want from him
Key
Letter (if he has it)
For him to say hello to Nisha when he sees her as he’s gonna be living round the corner

Going to shelve the book idea (Paul and Jim) for a while and try to write one for Nisha.
Been rubbing eyes lots. Got to stop as utter madness otherwise.
Will write about how I get on as that really helps.
Ideas for Nisha’s book (themes)
part of the human race
the answer is love
love yourself
reality
God
wanting things
magic
tears and sadness
beauty
staying in the moment
death
planets spinning

26th
Watch a documentary on AIDS in Africa. Cry. I so want to help, make a huge difference. I wish for success that my message will be heard so I can help others, humanity, individuals, this world of ours.

29th
I keep feeling unreal. What’s real?
I’m sure I’m just getting used to feeling happier but it does blow my mind at times.
Been at work, I just want peace. Work has been busy and not as peaceful as it usually is. I’ve been doing too much. There’s too much to read, to watch, to change, to contemplate. Tired, I guess. Bit lonely, perhaps.
What do I hope for? Peace, love and beauty. To stay on my path. To be myself. To be a good mother. To be a good friend, a good person. To find someone who loves and understands me, to help me to fly. To find some new music.
Please, God, bring me love, peace and beauty.

Watch ‘Sex and City’. Theme –
‘maybe everything happens for a reason’!!!
‘Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?’

I don’t think everything happens for a reason, but some things definitely do. I do think you can search for the reason, it only comes with time and days and hindsight. It’s not immediate.