Beyonce

I posted this last night and had to delete as i got woken (as usual) and could not get back to sleep. The fear comes at 3am, do any of you find that? worrying what people will think…. but i am not going to let this demon beat me again. if you hate what i am writing please still be kind.

A teacher went viral on 17th April, writing to parents saying that “Don’t stress about schoolwork. In September, I will get your children back on track. That is my superpower. What I cant fix is social-emotional trauma that prevents the brain from learning. So right now, I just need you to share your calm, share your strength, and share your laughter with your children. No kids are ahead, no kids are behind. Your children are exactly where they need to be.” (N.B. I do not know which wise teacher wrote this, if you do please comment below)

i am doing my best. so, here goes…

Any of you who follow me or regularly read my posts will know that I am in recovery from whats professionally called a maladaptive coping strategy, a self harming behaviour I have had/done for 40 years (as I have a form of complex trauma).

This behaviour was made worse by my sudden launch into single parenthood after being in abusive relationships. I never ever wanted to be a single parent (again) as I found it way, way too hard the first time, I knew it would cause me more harm.

Here I am trying to thrive in a new sunny home (my last house I was stuck in for 20 years had no sunlight in it at all). My little girl finally starting school, and finally some time for me, to get healthy. More healthy. I was going to yoga. I was going to church. I was going to therapy. I was going to metallisation based training. I was trying to rebuild myself into a better version of me.

I had a really strict routine each day to keep me ok, and keep my little one ok. She wakes me EVERY night, at least 3 times and has been doing so since she arrived on the planet. Actually she kept me awake way before she arrived on the planet, before she was even made. I pretty much did not sleep at all. Now I take medication. I used to do mediTation, but sometimes you have to change the T for a C. There is no shame in that.

Anyway, I am giving up my destructive habit of a lifetime and her going to school was a lifeline for me. So when they shut I was highly so worried that I would relapse. To help my self care, I am still keeping a pretty strict routine, which I am going to share with you now. At week four, have you discovered a routine too? it was so hard week too, I felt so tense, and the behaviour started again.

Today is the first day back at homeschool for summer term. We are blessed enough (thanks to God) to have been given a house with a separate dining room. It becomes the school room Monday to Friday and then it becomes the church Sunday. I am so blessed not to be in that tiny little dark house I was stuck in for 20 years.

I do appreciate that some of you will indeed be stuck in a tiny house. If this is the case, try to section off a section of the room you have as a school area, even if it is just the table. Pretend it is school. This sectioning really really helps provide some inner structure.

I am classed as severe asthma and so I am stuck in for another 8 weeks I guess.

have you home schoolers made a weekly plan? i don’t follow the school routine, we don’t HAVE to. my little girl is only 5, she is thriving. so we do what we can. I am a trained teacher but for adult education. it really has pushed me out of my comfort zone, as i am sure it has you too.

anyway, here is my weekly plan…

First of all, chose a home school topic for the week. I asked my girl this morning what the theme was to be and she said “Beyonce” and I said “ok!”. at first i was a bit worried, but then i thought this will teach my mixed race daughter about strong black role models, about feminism. you can never be too young to start, don’t you think? already cause of singing miss polly had a dolly and the doctor not being made female, my 5 year old thinks that doctors are male. miss polly had a doozy should definitely be framed as a female, the doctor came with her bag and her hat and she knocked on the door with a ra-ta-tat-tat. our doctor is female for this very reason.

Monday AM… long lie in, til 9 if lucky, coffee in bed with daughter watching stuff on phone. I generally don’t do anything until I have had my coffee, just the one a day after detoxing in January. School session in the AM is from 11-12, so we aim to get washed, teeth brushed, and dressed for school at ten. My daughter sometimes even wears her school uniform, but I do not enforce this, but as “teacher” I definitely do enforce the teeth brushing as cover cavity is sure to become a thing. The first Beyonce lesson is on “The history of Beyonce”. We have been keeping a large a4 bound journal to keep all her school activities in during this lockdown. For example, writing to be done, numbers, pictures. I think to have a document of corona times would be very interesting in the future. My big girl (yes I am lucky enough to have a second “teacher” in lockdown, back from university, otherwise I would be on more medication, and I do utterly get how hard it is alone, I really do) does the first lesson. After, they show me what they have done, all noted in the book: Beyonce’s full name, what her name means (beyond others), where it came from, the names of her parents, her age, how many children she has, where she is from. They have looked that up on the globe we have, USA, they have spelt out Houston, found out Houston is near Disneyland. I ask if Beyonce spent a lot of time at Disney land as a little girl. But we will need to find that out another day. We find out she has made 170 ish songs, that she sang with Destinys Child age 16. The next couple of pages in the journal book are a print out of the gloriousQueen Bey in a long sparkly dress, Zaria has added a crown and some extra sparkle, and then drawn her own version on the opposite page. Zaria, whilst doing all this has been wearing her own crown and her own sparkly dress, her own sparkly shoes. She tries my only remaining pair of high heels (i used to have loads), golden glittery ones. Maybe I should try them on, once along to single ladies in them. Get my power back.

Monday lunchtime… 12-2 my little girl likes to have an actual packed lunch made, or a jacket potato like she would be having a school. Then time to play after. I go out on my bike for 20 minutes.

Monday PM… it’s meant to be yoga 2-3. Now if my 5 year old was going to school I would be free to go to yoga on a Monday, so I try to keep this schedule a little. I have a yoga DVD, but there are loads of things online for free. I usually hoover the yoga room, the living room, and plug in the atomiser, and put out two mats, and I force myself to do the DVD. In the early days of lockdown I thought “oh wow, doing yoga with Zaria will be amazing” and “I can teach her mindfulness and stillness” but in reality she just gets bored and so do I, sometimes sitting on the sofa to look at my phone. But today as we are doing Beyonce I ask Zaria what she wants to do (anything to get out of yoga) and suggest baking. We decide to look at what Beyonce eats, we google “what is her favourite biscuit?” But nothing comes up, maybe we should have said cookie. We do find out that she does not eat snacks, no puddings, no junk food but she does allow herself popcorn and pizza one day a week. We find out she eats lots of leafy greens, lots of fish, and we learn a new word, hydrated, as she likes to keep hydrated. I think it is a good nutrition lesson for Zaria. We listen to Beyonce tunes in the kitchen whilst baking. I have never really listened to Beyonce, as in really listened. I did dream I was Beyonce and sang like her once after tuning my chakras (see previous post). I still have not listened to Lemonade, but I know Beyonce made it as life gave her lemons. Maybe making actual lemonade could be a lesson. I listen to songs that used to remind me of past hideous loves, Halo, such a beautiful song and video, how could I ever wishful think that song about some hideous man? We listen to single ladies, we dance, I sweat, I feel powerful, the best thing you never had, and I especially listen to If I were a Boy which I find gives me goosebumps. We make gingerbread. It is hard, I am not going to lie to you, it is hard to play teacher, I could never ever actually home school, I don’t understand how teachers do it, and Zaria’s actual lovely first teacher absolutely loves it, stating that she even misses the kids now they are not allowed to go! It is hard, Zaria moans, the making of a mess drives me insane, I hate getting my hands in the sticky mess. I try to halt the negative thoughts, manage the mess, washing dishes, putting things away so I can cope. Zaria keeps on putting on crazy in love and we start to shake the little containers of sprinkles and dance and laugh. You have to make it fun. She even gets the instruments out, recorder, bongos, tambourine.

We have a marble jar to motivate her and keep her behaviour good. This is an idea from her actual school. When the chidden do good work they get a marble put into the marble jar. When the jar is full they have a “marble party”. saying this, i do try to set aside any feeling of superiority. this helps to build good connection. she teaches me so much herself, we are both teachers.

Afterschool club 3-5.30 involves the swing, the trampoline, jigsaws, fun, sun and quality time playing. Without this quality time I get utterly bored playing and end up looking at my phone. Exercise also incorporated into this time. I also try to make sure I do something creative for me, some job the needs doing, like the windows, painting something, fixing something, but sometimes these activities can be made into a life lesson during school time in the week, for example gardening. Right at the start of the isolation I bought an electric piano for £60 off gumtree. We have hardly even plugged it in. But the other day I moved it to the window of the room we see the sunsets from and I do at least imagine myself playing it as the sunsets. You could, in after school club, incorporate some sort of club into the club, you know like a dancing club, like piano, like baking, football, art, whatever. For an hour. These pockets of quality time REALLY DO HELP. Believe me. Today we decide to watch Beyonce Homecoming, before you think that is ay too grown up for a little girl it is edited my her big sister, no “bad” word, except she does ask us what a DIVA is and what a HUSTLER is…

The rest of the week will hopefully go something like this…

Tuesday AM… like Monday with the coffee and phone, more history lessons, who influenced Beyonce. Powerful black women.

Tuesday PM… 2-3 gardening club, so I get some gardening work done.

Afterschool club fun and exercise

Wednesday AM… music/singing lesson

Wednesday PM… yoga 2-3

Afterschool club as above, with a walk or cycle or roller boots session.

Thursday AM… Beyonce dance routines

Thursday PM… who knows… numbers? “If Beyonce asks three single ladies to put their hands up, how many fingers will there be?” (this is from big girl and i am still laughing about it). “If Beyonce has a pizza and it has 8 slices, and she eats 3, and Blue Ivy has two slices, how much is left for Jay-Z?”

Afterschool club… by then I am losing my mind. so i try to do something for me as well as her. she pretends to be a queen and i read my magazine.

Friday AM… yoga again, see above, I will teach her mindfulness and quietness!

Friday PM… baking, making lots of tasty treats for the weekend, if they last that long!

After after school club Friday it’s pizza night, as a reward for the week. I so look forward to pizza night. I like to mark the days by meals as it helps me feel like there is a structure and I am somehow held by the days, by the routine.

Try not to be too rigid in your routine, as it will stress you out more. Stress is not the goal here. The goal is to enjoy, to be in-joy. one day at a time.

Do not focus too much on the actual learning outcomes, even though my girl’s reading has come on leaps and bounds since starting the routine, and her numbers too so much better.

From this routine I can go to bed feeling like I have achieved something. Then this helps me not to hurt myself at night, it helps me to not think I have been a bad mother, or crappy thoughts like that. It helps me think I have done my best, I have been in-joy, mindfully enjoying the day. Been in play with my child. It helps me sleep ok, then wake ok not dreading the day.

Let me know how you are coping with home schooling the the comments below. thanks for reading. jen x