February 2005

7th Feb
Wow it’s been some time since I wrote.
I have been managing to deal with life without the need to journal it all. Been busy, working.
And Si and I are still separate.
Loneliness not been so bad. Asked him last Thursday if he’d thought about things. He went right into his shell. I don’t think he’s had enough time yet – he doesn’t want to leave me in limbo. He has been seeing someone else, Nina, so this paranoia was intuition after all. He says he doesn’t fancy her though he thought he did. I wonder what will happen now. Will he start missing me? I am going to try really hard and not say a thing. He wants to be in control. I dream of him each night. We are together in these dreams and I feel a little sad on waking.
But though sad I do wonder that if Si isn’t the one, how am I going to meet him? Where will it happen? When? I find all that quite exciting.

10th Feb
Dreamt that Si and I were making up and making love last night. It didn’t get the day off to a good start. Think I have PMT too so it took a while to cheer up – BUT I DID CHEER UP – then whilst waiting for the bus home, Si drove past and I got a lift from him. I could hardly talk to him as I was too busy biting my tongue. That horrid feeling returned in the stomach and I just wanted to tell him I don’t want to see him. But I have to see him as he’s Nisha’s dad.
I just can’t wait till Saturday (night out in London).

11th Feb – Friday
Admitted to hospital with sore eye. So scared. Doctor said it could be bug that eats my eye. Waiting on test results. Have own room though.
Just want a cuddle from Si. It breaks my heart. Why is this happening? Especially after I stop rubbing my eyes, after all these years.
Just want a cuddle.
Dreamt about Si again last night. I trust the process of life though.
All is well, apart from my eye.

12th Feb
Didn’t stop much at all last night and was in tears today worrying that I may have to get a glass eye or become blind. Neither has been suggested. It is just my imagination.
Lots of lovely people came to visit me today, firstly Jo who brought me chocolates, tulips and magazines. She made me laugh loads.
Then later I cried. I am now in a ward and I had to stifle my crying too – I cried for longer than usual, full of self-pity.
Longing for my hand to be held by Simon as he sits by my side. I felt so alone. I know I am not.
Alyson drove down to visit, bought me ear plugs for which I am eternally grateful, and a book and more chocs.
Si and Nisha came in.
So did Kayell and Orla.
I am a lucky girl.

13th Feb
When I woke up this morning my eye was much better. I went for a little jog around the hospital grounds after breakfast. I decided that me being in hospital is a big test to see if Si would come back to me. I am thinking about moving in to my mum’s house.
I told Si how I was feeling. I couldn’t see his expression but his head went side to side in a ‘no’ when I said that I thought it might bring him back to me, change things. I must move on and it breaks my heart.
Why did he love me when I wasn’t shining?
My eye is so much better. I am not allowed to wear contact lenses for a month. Find out tomorrow if I can have some glasses. A fantastic nurse looked after me today. I was very relieved at gaining some information about what was wrong with me.
The Barefoot Doctor in The Observer on Sunday recommends that if there is any aspect of your life you’re feeling stuck in right now, this is an optimum time to raise arms to the sky, and addressing whatever-it-is say

‘Let the force of the adventure carry me to fresh pastures now’.

It’s worth a shot.

Am still a romantic fool thinking that Si will change his mind and declare love for me tomorrow, as it is Valentine’s day.

14th Feb 05
Si didn’t declare love for me, not yet anyway. Still an hour and a half to go.
I cried a little today as do honestly feel that I am not looking forward to going home. Here is preferable to the loneliness I feel when I sit alone in that house, the entrapment, the absence of Simon. I’ll take each day as it comes but the feeling about that place never goes away. I love Exeter but it isn’t home.

16th Feb
Still in hospital. Eye looks much better. Not feeling so awful about going home. That was PMT. Still waiting for something positive to happen.
Saw Si. Have decided not to say a word to him about me and him. The Valentine’s card was the final thing. It’s up to him and what he wants.
So hard being on my own. I just want to be loved. I know Nisha loves me and my family and friends love me but I want to feel secure and looked after, to have intimacy, to be held. I don’t think I’ll ever get it from Si. I feel like I wanted a dream that was never going to happen, but I kept trying to make it happen.
Sometimes when I look at Si and think I want him I remember how it was me driving it along, never him. He’s so wishy washy. Sometimes I see the face of his brother Nathan instead of Si’s face and it reminds me of who Si is.
Give me love over this.
I wish him love and success.

‘Hate is a good thing.
Hate something, change something.’

18th Feb
Home again. Am coping. But I so need a cuddle, to be loved by a man.

21st Feb
Just couldn’t keep my mouth shut about me and Si. I can’t stand seeing him yet I want to see him and I want him to stay. I always think he’s going to change his mind. He never says ‘No, I’m not going to change my mind’ and I guess that’s because he doesn’t know how he’s going to feel, he’s just taking each day as it comes. He’s getting closer to Nina, I can tell. I get so worried he will get her pregnant or something. I’ve got to give him space. I don’t want to see him. I think I will ask him to move out all his stuff and I think I need the key to the house back. At the same time I don’t want it back. I want him back. I just keep trying to remember negatives about him. I don’t want to pressure him. I need to leave it alone. I am so lonely. I need him, I don’t need him.
Why does this pain have to last so long? I spent so many years not wanting to be with him whenever he was with me. I want to make love to him. I told him that tonight. I asked him to stay just one night. I want us to make love. Maybe I should’ve said I wanted us to have sex. Making love is too strong. Maybe I’ll end up saying that next time.
I just want to keep my mouth shut.

23rd
My dad has been here since yesterday fixing things that have been neglected for years. It is providing me with a great sense of motivation. It has been so nice to have some company, even though we don’t talk. It’s just so good to have someone here to fill the void.
I saw Si today, he drove past thinking he was to pick Nisha up from school. I wasn’t expecting it, I didn’t want to see him. I felt that sickness in my stomach and my blood ran cold. But I’ve been feeling so much stronger, if exhausted.

26th
Feel like am spiralling back down in to feeling bad about myself, and have rubbed eyes and face for 3 days running.
main feelings are:-
trapped (in house. Wish could move away)
lonely (although have wonderful friends just phone call away)
have not been able to do things to make me feel like am taking care of myself
not going to gym
not being able to wear make up
avoiding mirrors
not able to go out to have fun
not working
get tireder every day

things I can do
relax
write
read
walk
get house looking great
music
Have been managing not to think about Si, or rather not feel sorrow about Si and I. Rather I feel angry when I think of him and me. This has been really positive to think this way and so I do feel that I have moved on.
I feel fearful that I am not a nice enough person to receive love from anyone new.
I keep thinking about Paul… have I mentioned him yet?. I wish he’d come back in to my life.

28th
Exhausted. I really need to get to the gym. I would love to be able to drive my car back to Exeter tomorrow. Rubbed eye again. Carpet has been cancelled. What a pain. Dad coming back with me to Exeter. I want some time on my own.