January 2005

1st Jan ‘05
Today has been a wonderful day. I feel so relaxed and so full of anticipation – I love that word – for the year. I feel full of energy and yet so peaceful.
Have spent the day clearing and cleaning. I wish Si could just move all his stuff out. I don’t want it here any more. I want the space. I want to make this space mine. Am going to paint kitchen, turquoise perhaps. I am going to surround myself with things I love.
I feel blessed today, lucky to be me, where I am.

2nd Jan
God I need a cigarette!

Today I woke late, I woke happy. My skin was/is clear and my eyes are bright. I went to get the Sunday papers, filled with stories all about the Tsunami which hit several countries in the Indian Ocean on boxing day. Christmas day night I awoke after an intensely vivid dream where I was in an Asian country, trying to find safety from an impending tidal wave. Nisha and I climb up several flights in a building and watch in shock as the sea rises and rises, up past the windows of the room in which we stand; we wait for them to smash and fill the room with death. But they do not… the water level recedes very quickly and then through the window there is a beautiful, exotic sunset.

I am feeling rather freaked out by the fact in have this dream the day, a few hours, before it actually happens.

I feel confused, people confuse me. I think too much. I have a vivid imagination. How do I stop this thinking?

For a start, do not read the Sunday paper after having a prophetic dream.

Especially when I cannot smoke to distract myself.

Today, I wished I could have taken a drive to the sea. It was a beautiful sunny day. Spring is on its way, even though winter has just started. My winter is thawing. I do not remember the last time I felt so contented.

3rd Jan
How can I feel so contrasted from my thoughts on yesterday? I feel so lonely, not all day long, just when came home to an empty house and not having anyone to share this pain with, so heavy my head hurts. I feel so unloved, although I am sure I am.
Managed to go to gym anyway, so rather proud of myself. Motivation is low, but I still did it.
Wish I could find the switch in my head that turns all this loneliness off. Wish I could find a soul. Wish I could feel happy, just for a day or two in a row.

But then I have felt really happy today. I said to Jo that I haven’t ever felt this happy, and yet at the same time I feel so sad. I would love a cuddle. Nisha is away at Simon’s house. The freedom is nice. The freedom is so limiting too. Wish I had a car, could drive down to the sea.
Wish R had texted me. Didn’t contact him today. Not sure about all this, it’s like a game.

I hate my self pity! Where is the switch? I pray for healing from this self-pity. It only makes myself detest me more.

Thank you, diary, for listening.

4th Jan
When a door closes, a window opens.
My mum used to say that.
That’s how I feel at the moment.
It’s been a good day. Nisha was away at Simon’s all night. It was nice to wake up of my own accord and only have to get myself ready, I was out of the house within half an hour of waking, it is good to feel that free. I felt really happy and free all day. I went shopping, un-shopping got some real bargains which always cheers me up. Got Nisha a lovely school pinafore. Got a chrome kitchen clock and some great underwear that I feel fantastic in. I could’ve kept shopping for ages longer if only I had someone to carry round my bags. Shopping is such good exercise. Must get myself a pedometer to find out how many steps I do. Got home at half 3, feeling rather strange, probably to do with the fact I didn’t have a thing to eat all day, just a cup of tea and a cup of de-caf coffee, a glass of iced water.
Si and Nisha were back not long after and I helped Si to move out some of his things. Strange to think that I thought I would be in tears in a corner when that happened. It is so freeing to have the space. Breathing is easier. I hope it all remains this friendly between us.
Nisha had a good time with her Daddy. She left Barbie Rapunzel behind and was very upset by this. Tomorrow I’ll take her in to town and get it back, and treat her to a new toy. And get the rest of her uniform.
R texted me! That brightened my day. He wants to take me for a night in a hotel near Exeter. Worried he will think I’m a loose woman.
Mind going in to overdrive, maybe he’s the one! Certainly the closest so far.
But trying to keep head, keep in the moment, not dream.
But can’t sleep, hence all this writing!

6th Jan
Watching tsunami reports. It’s so sobering after the New Year’s celebrations. Which seem like days ago.
I feel so full of empathy for the suffering of others. Watching the news can bring me to tears, does make me cry.
A man, searching hopelessly for his four children and wife, in the wreckage, arms held up to heaven in desperation. What would God say to his prayers?
Why has such a God designed such a faulty world? What does it all mean? Is this life a game, like we are characters in the Sims? Does God laugh, cry, or just watch?

“Maybe he was just too perfect to be in this world?” What a father says about his dead son.

9th Jan
Had date with R last night. Was so manic all day, so amazingly nervous.
Was going to cancel, it was such a horrible feeling. With hindsight, and although I have been trying my hardest not to imagine futures, to try and stay in the moment, the nerves came from the feeling that I may have been meeting my future husband, finding a perfect relationship, man-of-my-dreams, with a whirlwind romance where suddenly I have a new life, happiness, security, a house, a car, a career, love.
It didn’t go well. I could not in my memory see R’s face, it was a total blank. I thought it was more handsome than in real life. As soon as I see him, I remember. He gives me a kiss on both cheeks. He has a great smile but his shirt is awful, a white one covered in small lilac flowers I think, I don’t want to look at it too much to find out. It’s tucked into his jeans. His body is chunkier than I remember, too muscular. I don’t find this attractive either. But I think that he just needs styling, most men do. So I don’t run out of Coolings Wine Bar! He orders wine, I drink fast and open my packet of cigarettes.
He talks and talks. He interrupts me. But it’s fun. We stay a couple of hours, then we go for something to eat at ASK. Really tasty fiorentina and salad. Then he comes back here. I didn’t want him to so I tell him I’m a bit annoyed that he hasn’t made other arrangements. As soon as we get through the door, he’s kissing and undressing me. I’m not interested. We don’t have sex. I’m glad of that. But he sleeps in my bed. We don’t cuddle. It’s nice to know how much I just wanted the bed to myself. I even take a sleeping tablet as I don’t want to have to lie awake. Oh my god, how awful is that! Lots of lessons to be learnt here! Just say no! Physical attraction, a spark very important. I will not do this again. It makes me feel like shit!
All day felt quite relaxed but ended up wanting Si back. I do love him, his cuddles.
R left a bottle of Moet in fridge for me. Oh dear, he tried too hard. Oh, to be able to erase and turn back clock!
But feel like I’m living, learning, and I am loving this newness. Didn’t realise that am still a dreamer, have been trying so hard to stay in the moment and the possibilities are amazing when you do this.
His wet footprint on the bathroom mat making me feel sick. I have to get a new rug!
Can’t wait till a little success happens so can crack open the Moet!
Must stop dreaming.
At least it all gives good writing material. Don’t want to date for a while anyhow. Rebound!

13th Jan
Today I had my first bad day, and I’m really happy about it.
This may sound strange but the fact I’ve had a bad day means that I’ve been having good days! It means that I’m actually having days, I mean, that I’m staying in the moment, rather than dreaming about my future and wishing the day away.
So here’s what went wrong:-

locked myself out of house as couldn’t find keys and was too late to spend time finding them.
went into town to get Si’s keys, he didn’t have them.
had to go shopping again.
just wanted to sleep but couldn’t get home.
got £60 speeding fine and 3 points, for when I drove hire car.

Doesn’t seem that bad now.
Missed Si all day too.
Realised that he must have had days all this time but I never realised.
Anyway, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

17th Jan 05
Started my new job in the gallery the other day. It was really great to feel so independent and to earn some money. I love the environment. I get to eat loads of chocolates and chips and pastries, which must be stopped a.s.a.p.
The problem is that now I’m finally working I want Si even more. I feel as though I’ve discovered that Si is a person with his own life. I can see this as I suddenly feel as though I have my own independent life.
When I walked through the door he was cooking for us, Nisha was watching TV, dressed in her uniform. It was domestic bliss for a second, until I realised that I can’t just throw my arms around him and feel his body next to mine and kiss him.
Feeling so together and so independent has left this one need unfulfilled – physical contact, making love.
Healing.
I feel this wanting for Simon deep in my stom(ache) but I can’t say anything. I won’t until it bursts out of me.
I wish he’d say for a change.
It would make me love him even more.
I’m not going to worry.
Just going to wait.

23rd Jan
Si and I went out for dinner last night. I dressed up in black boots, knee length button through denim skirt, crochet top. I wore my hair all down. I felt really beautiful. Si wore cardi I bought him and his dark jeans. He looked really good.
I was dying to kiss him, to hold his hand. We went to Old Timers, had an intimate table for two. It was so friendly, Si was so chatty. All that I wanted to say did burst out of me. I was asking Si if he fancied anyone. Then after he said “no” I said “Not even me?” He said “no.” I really, honestly was thinking he would say yes. He really, honestly thought that we were just going out for dinner as friends. It was all good natured. I told him I really loved him. He said “But are you in love with me?” I answered “Yes, I am.” He seemed to be quite taken aback by this and was silent for a while.
He told me he no longer feels that way, it’s too late. I told him how amazingly different I feel about love and life, how I wanted to make love to him, to love him.
We talked for an hour, he saying he didn’t feel that way, me saying we had to try.
Finally, he said he’d come back with me. We left the restaurant and the two minute walk to the bus stop was so perfect. I was so happy. We kiss as we wait for the bus. I pressed my body against his. I am dying to make love. It is so perfect, this moment.
Then he pulls away, he says he must go back to Topsham. I have to sit. He says it will just be sex and he can’t do that to me. My eyes start to cry. My feeling of love turns to emptiness. My stomach aches with emptiness, broken dreams, it hurts. I just want to love him.

“So I crawl back into your open arms.”
I miss you.
I just want to love you.
Please let me love you.
I’m not going to hurt you.
I’m not going to break your heart.

I was lost. I didn’t know about this love, this feeling.
I need to be held.
I need to be kissed.
I need to be with you to get through it all. Please come back and take away this pain, the emptiness. We should be together. We need to love each other. We need to love Nisha, be a family, cocoon ourselves in love. Love is the answer. I never knew. I never understood. I never felt it. I never meant to hurt you. I never felt enough love from you as I didn’t have enough love in myself, for myself. Nothing you would have done would ever be enough. Just come back to me. Let me love you. Love me.
I don’t blame myself. I never knew. I’d never felt this love within me before.
Please let us try. We need to.

24th Jan
I thought today was going to be horrible. I managed to get to bed with only rubbing my face a teeny bit, lightly, no damage. My left eye I rub in the morning so it’s a bit red.
I am very proud of myself for this. The emotion of last night would have tipped me way over the edge a couple of months ago. I would have taken life out on myself.
Last night, late, I send Si a text message. It reads:-

I need you so much. I’m sorry for all the hurt of the past. I was lost. I just want us to love each other, be a family. Please come back to me. I love you x

I receive no reply.
An hour later, I decide to phone him. Four rings and his phone is switched off. This causes extreme paranoia. I imagine he is in bed having sex with Marsh (his landlady). If he is, I feel glad that it’s put me in his head. I try to calm down. I tell my head he may be sleeping. I try not to freak out, try to be philosophical.
‘Set him free. If he comes back your love was meant to be.’
I smoke cigarettes, have a bit of wine. Then I get to bed, nervous of tomorrow.
Today has been good, punctuated with little stomach knots and churns when I think of Si, maybe or maybe not with Marsh. But I feel calm, I will stay in this moment and in this moment I am safe.
I take Nisha to school, talk to Jo on the way about it all, talk to Sarah on the way back. I decide to paint Nisha’s room. That takes up an hour. I sing along to U2. Then I buy a book at the charity shop ‘Secrets of relationship success’ which I read half of throughout the day. It is stuff I know but needed reminding of.
Then I apply to a job, ‘Write-on-Dads’ at Exeter Prison, then I go to the gym as I feel so excited I feel I may explode I have so much energy.
Then I go to Carols, where Nisha is staying for dinner. We talk. I really like her. Then Susan and Isabella come here. Then I write this! Jam packed day. Think I’ll be okay. But how I just want to share all this with Si, talk about our days, share the amazing full moon in the sky as we cuddle up in the cold winter ice night, that would be a perfect day.

27th Jan
Had first day at work all on my own today. It went really well. On the bus home I finished reading my book, put on some blusher and lip gloss and perfume and came home to Si and Nisha. He’d picked her up from school. I had asked him to feed Nisha but he hadn’t. He had fallen asleep in the chair. My happy mood turned into fed-up-ness and I’ve been battling with it all evening. Is Simon making me feel like this? Are we incompatible or does this happen to test me?
I got to thinking that he is seeing Marsh. I asked him how he was getting on without Jake being in the house (he is in San Tropez, so it is just Si and her in the house). On asking, he smiled this little smile as though things were brilliant, then quickly said how he’d been missing Jake a bit and then he talked lots about Marsh. I was dying to ask him if what I thought is true is true, but not wanting to risk hurt before a day at work tomorrow I didn’t.
I will see him again tomorrow and I will ask him.
I just hope I sleep tonight. I am so very tired, lonely a bit.
When these feelings come I feel like they’ll never go away.
But tomorrow is another day.

28 Jan 05
The hardest thing about the change in me is that I have so much love to give and no love to give it to. I can concentrate on my friends and family and wonderful Nisha. And me!

30th Jan
Survived another day! Today I felt so lonely. It is the one feeling I find so hard to distract myself from. It has been a feeling I have had for so many years. The thought of it never going away makes me wonder the point in going on with this living thing.
But that is not living in the moment.
Si came round this afternoon and we had dinner, as a family. We had a wonderful cuddle as he left. He said he really needed one. Me too. I didn’t say anything to him about it all. I told him I felt lonely.
I’m okay now though.
After all, tomorrow is another day.