I without my Iphone

so 6 weeks ago i dropped my 22 month old iphone 5 for the 100th time before it finally died on me, screen went totally black, but still making a noise as is plugged and unplugged the charger.

i spent almost 5 weeks without a phone. could you manage it?

day 1 – they say that it takes three days to overcome an addiction. it is early eve and i drop the phone, and it lightly hits the kitchen floor as it is still plugged in to the charger. when i pick it up it is ok, but then arghhhhh the whole screen suddenly goes black. i can not do anything about it that day as the shops are closed so i have a phone free eve. my daughter manages to get to sleep without “watching on my phone”as she calls it, kids youtube. i actually switch on my mac that i switch on maybe 5 times a year. i message the guy i have been talking to on POF (plenty of fish/fuckwits/fakes) saying that i have indeed dropped my phone and that i shall try to get in to town to get the screen replaced tomorrow. i have been chatting to him a few days and he has been messaging via text instead of on POF. I go to sleep.

day 2: my little girl gets up and i have to wake up properly as well as she normally “watches on my phone” in the morning so i can snooze a little as i am like a zombie. Then, she wants to watch on her tablet, but i can’t stand the thing therefore it is not charged up. so we get up. it is weird not checking my phone straight away. i actually have to tell myself just to breathe, that it is beyond my control, and i pace myself so not to freak out before i manage to get to the phone repair shop at about 1pm. the man in the shop takes off the case and there is condensation. he says about water damage and he says “20 minute” and “£35” and i go off to wilkos and primark, for a half hour and wonder what the guy from POF will have messaged and whether he will have freaked out like an ex would have done if i did not reply within ten minutes. i go back to the phone shop and its bad news, big water damage (i dont even remember it getting wet) and he says to come back nearer the end of the day, he closes at 6. so i hang around town on a saturday, busy, ever so patient, swan around shops that i dont want to buy anything from. i get zaria’s feet measured in clarks without buying her shoes just to kill time, and we go to tesco for supplies and finally it is half 5 so back to the repair shop. The phone still does not work. oh my god. he says i have to come back tomorrow, i how on earth i am i going to get through the evening ok.. but it is beyond my control, i remember the serenity prayer from al-anon, and so i leave the phone and go home. switch on my computer again. check emails, messenger, Facebook and status update about my broken phone.

day 3 – the POF man has blocked me on POF and not replied to my message saying about my broken phone. plenty of phonies would say this and he clearly does not believe me. suddenly there is less rush to get a phone.

day 5 – my phone defo cant be fixed. i cant upgrade for 5 more days. I accept the challenge. i feel free, lighter. i smile. less anxious. thinner. Yes, thinner.

day  6 – i hardly ever know what the time is, it’s great. anxiety still low, no longer needing likes to tell me how much self esteem i should have but i do especially miss instagram. it is like my happiness jar. i miss the inspiration and collecting happy little moments, funny little moments that without the jar we would forget.

day 9 – i definitely am spending more money instead of using my phone. i shall try give that up another month.

day 12 – i start coveting other peoples phones, wondering if i can just borrow one for a while. it would be delicious. i think i do actually salivate, or at least lick my lips.

day 14 – i power wash the patio

day 15 – i upcycle a vintage sideboard.

day 16 – i really wish i had camera to video Zaria trying to click her fingers and dance in the car to Rhianna, it makes me laugh so much, i want to capture it forever, but I am comforted by the fact that i would not of been able to record it anyway as i was, you know, driving. but i love not having to see selfies of others that remind myself how i hate my body and i hate my face and how i still am no where near being able to take one. i go to the phone shop, almost getting a new iPhone, finding out about deals. i tell them i am going to blog about not having a phone, hoping they will be interested in my blog, “oh how interesting, what is your blog called?” but of course they don not say that. The welcome lady does say “how do you cope?” without waiting for me to tell her how i have been coping. i was expecting her to be like “oh yeah a lot of people are getting like that too, so we have this new phone that is great for calls and texts and pictures but has no internet…” but she does not. I wait in the queue to see another sales person, and when it is my turn i tell him all about the many tasks that i have managed to complete in the past fortnight without a phone… of my upcycling of the sixties sideboard, i tell him i power washed my patio, planted flowers, cleaned the windows and even cleaned the oven… “ah yes, but no one knows you have done all these amazing things…” he says and it’s just so true! i have not been able to share these things on instagram, no picture like a collection in a happiness jar to help me myself feel successful. no one to say well done. no likes. a smaller sense of achievement. but even so i decide to keep going with no phone. to be honest the thought of lesser anxiety is just so so appealing. i may want a phone back but i do not want that terrible feeling back. So as there is no mention of any new movement of people getting rid of their smart phones, i get sold a little 79p phone that texts and can call and can take pictures.

day 17 – it is my beautiful daughter’s 18th and i can not take any pictures. arghhhh. the little camera on the 79p phone is utterly rubbish. i find also I can not really text as i can hardly read the screen due to my eye condition, and even those with perfect eyesight would struggle. the predictive text in the phone is so terrible that writing a text is just really annoying. i also find i have no numbers at all from anyone on my sim card. i need the iCloud.

day 18 – i cant even find the little 79p phone, but i really dont give a toss about whether i can or not. can you imagine being like that with your smart phone?! haha it usually induced a type a panic and anger at loss that may of needed diazepam to calm me down! the little 79p phone simply has no value.

day 19- i make soup and again no one knows! i have been sharing lots of super therapy recipes on my instagram, but never have a tried a mushroom, spinach and wild rocket soup and it is AMAZING. But no one knows!!! and my little girl was trying to practice winking, clicking her fingers, then pointing at me but I could not collect this hilarious moment for ever and ever. sad face.

day 22 – my big girl goes out with her friends for her 28 celebrations wearing the most fantastic wow factor sequin dress and i still cant take any pictures!!! i watch the 1 and 8 silver helium balloons blowing in the wind imagining myself filming them and they kind of dance together but i cant film anything! the camera on my phone is utterly rubbish. and take more than 5 picture there is no storage in the 79p phone devise to store them…

day 23 – i find myself getting anxious with a phone… my little girl has asked for her tablet so be charged up so she can watch stuff in the morning and before bed, like its her relaxation too. bad.

day 24 – huge fall out with someone as i mis spell things in a text cause of the stupid predictive crap she thinks i have said something terrible.

day 25 – i almost go into town to get a new iPhone but try to get this written and one last job done first (stripping a garden bench) as i know i shall simply be on my phone.

day 28 – i miss my audiobooks that i am still paying for each month but no listening to a thing. i miss gumtree for selling things and buying things, i cant even go have a look in the new look sale. i miss meetings with friends, i start to feel lonely.but this is made even worse when i go on my mac at the top of the stairs and click onto POF which i have all but forgotten about. like a pang of hurt or a stab in the stomach that has not been present in me for 3 weeks. also, i feel so brain dead as i cannot google anything. but i definitely an engaging in moments more. i do remember to google if Megan Markle has had a nose job.

day 31 – i visit a friend and notice how they are on their iPhone, i no longer covet theirs. I just like being free of even looking at it.

day 32 – I cant even park the car without my phone, the parking app. i am 5p short for the metre. I search whole of car for 5p, look on pavement for a 5p, consider begging but instead find another parking place.

day 34 – get excellent deal from EE for new iPhone SE and it arrives less than 12 hours after making the call. I don’t even open the delivery bag for an hour or two and i don’t even open the box until the next day. think i am savouring the last few hours of freedom.

day 35 – open box, zaria almost immediately rips off the precious plastic, you know that stuff protecting the screen with no grace or celebration! And i am back to the anxiety of likes, the slight pain in my hands until i cover it with a case, does anyone else get this? and the headache when i speak on it… and of course Zaria is back to asking “Can i watch on your phone?” and i love the lie ins.

but so good to listen to my happy playlist and audiobooks, and of course take precious pictures of those happy moments. I am determined not to let the phone rule my life though. I am going to stick to these top 5 tips…

1. no phones at the dinner table
2. no phone-looking when seeing friends
3. no phone in bedroom when sleeping (easier for me as Zaria is my alarm)
4. no phone an hour before bed
5. not looking at phone first thing on waking

maybe you could try them too?