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jennifer

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August 2005

August 2005

1st Aug
Feel maybe getting a little stronger in body and mind. I feel well enough to get back in the gym and to take control of my body and mind.
Have been at home for a couple of days.
I really couldn’t move back here, not to this house.
I get a new car tomorrow so this will help with my independence.
My mum looks so unwell. We never really talk about it.
Went to the beach today with Nisha. I was so tired I fell asleep on the stones. It was a nice dreamy feeling, sleeping on the beach.
Keep thinking of Paul, helps to make me believe. What I really need to believe in is myself, that’s what Paul represents.
Been rubbing eyes, 2 weeks now. No wonder I feel so tired and sneezy and lacking in belief. Thing is, rubbing my eyes brings more relief to the tensions of it all than an orgasm, it’s more instantaneous than an orgasm. At the same time, I’m longing to be touched, not so much in a sex way, just to have a man run his hand over my back as we caress. To have someone to hold me as I hold him.

2nd Aug
Will I ever get to where I want to be?
When will I start to believe in my story again?
Still rubbing eyes and face, dying for a cigarette. Couldn’t get back to Exeter today. Got super new car. Dad has been a grumpy sulky idiot, unloved and taken for granted, mum has been a martyr. Remind me to remember moving back in to this house would be a terrible idea.
It’s late, I want to be asleep. I have a glass of wine, I want a cigarette.
I am feeling so much better.
Be patient with myself. Will get back in the gym Thursday so this is great. Have car can go places. Symbolic, getting me back on the road again in a better but same car as before.
4th
Back home. Sarah here. Feel so crappy. Hope I can get to the gym in the morning. Hope I can make it through the night without rubbing my eyes.
I hope I have a Paul Evans dream. I hope I awake feeling like I can believe in it all, in myself.

6th
Want to get back to writing. What has happened to lead story on?

my mum being ill
arguing with my dad
new car
feeling low
trying to get back on the treadmill
the bluetones (P.E. stuff)
rubbing eyes
Nisha and Thomas

Please God help me get back on track, back on the treadmill.

7th
Rubbed eyes, glands up. Fell out with Si. Feel so weak and unbelieving.
Please God bring back the love.
Please let me see the signs.

8th
Went to gym. Went to opticians. Went for a damn fantastic shop with Kayell and Liza. Sorted stuff out with Si. When I drove home all the lights turned to green without me having to wait. That’s a positive sign.
Thank you God x

9th
Got tidied up. So tired. Wish had a love in my life. It will come.
10th
Went out after long day at work, to Timepiece with Jo and Michelle. Met this 25 year old who kept telling me I was “stunning”. He was lovely, I took him home as I thought it was a good way to stop me rubbing my eyes. I didn’t want to have sex, we didn’t, but it was so nice to have someone touch and caress me and hold me all night.

11th
Good day. Watch Sex and City.

“the unexamined life is not worth living” But what if the examining becomes your life. Is that living or just procrastinating?
Is it time to stop questioning?

13th
Am not writing much for I do not want to end this book without a perfect happy ending.
I’m watching ‘Shakespeare in Love’ and like him, I need a muse. I need love. I am thinking of Jim so much, a distraction from Paul, both my muses.
But I need to look my best to attract my muse so I need to stop rubbing my eyes, regain my sparkle and lose some pounds and get myself sorted again.
But can you have a perfect happy ending in real life?

14th
Just been thinking about Jim so much. It’s not helped by an album I bought
‘Long-View’. It seems it’s all about him. I guess it’s love I’m missing rather than him.
Finding summer holidays hard as so little time to myself. Still rubbing eyes.
I don’t sleep well at night and it keeps ending that way.
Not been writing much. Need to believe in it again, in love, my search for love, find my self love, believe in myself.

15th
Long-View
‘I’ve waited for hours
Hours turned to days
Days turned to years
And I’m still here’

Better day today. Went to gym, tried to do things for Nisha. Feeling more beautiful. Thinking about Jim a lot. I guess that’s just me believing in love again and he was the last person I loved. He’s meant to be bringing my key back this week.
Bought ‘Long-View’ album.
So romantic, so want love.

“I’m sorry I don’t listen and
I’m selfish with my time
I know you don’t believe me
But you’re always on my mind
I know I’ve had two chances
You’ve already said goodbye
But please just re-consider once
And give me one more try”
__________________________________________
“God’s love will save our lives
We’ll come shining bright
God’s love will save our sun
And thy will be done.”
__________________________________________

16th
Had lovely day watching beautiful Nisha play with friends.
18th Aug 05
Today I have felt fearful, fearful so I can’t live in the moment. It takes away my belief in myself and my dreams, it takes away the love I have for myself and for life. It makes me feel like I’m getting nowhere. It makes me feel stuck. Nisha and I had lunch with Angela, who used to live with Juliet. I really miss Juliet. She has moved to Poole now. Her baby is due 1st September, a boy. I wish I could see her again.
Then we went shopping. Fear of money, lack of money, stopped me buying the most cheapest of things that I love. I am going to go in tomorrow and buy those things.
My money situation will change soon. I will get a job that I deserve.
I have been too scared to write, to finish this diary without a happy, romantic ending. It will finish happy, me being happy with myself. Tomorrow I will buy a new one and start a new chapter.
Tomorrow it is the full moon. The last full moon brought me to a period where I needed to heal myself, relax and retreat, heal my body. This is done now. The full moon tomorrow will bring me in to a cycle where I heal my mind, get back on track, go to the gym to find my positivity and determination.
I have been too scared to watch the last episode of Sex and the City, saving it up for when I felt my search for love was at an end, for when I’d found someone. Fuck that. I’ll watch it tonight and move on with my life. I will find my love for me and count all my blessings once again. I will get connected, I will see the signs, remember to look for them, to stay in the moment and see the wonder of life. I will pray and be thankful.
Later . . .
Actually, too tired to watch last ‘Sex and City’. Will do it tomorrow.

19th
Too tired, to watch Sex and City.
Looking forward to Bluetones tomorrow night. Got fab outfit sorted.
Am hoping I meet the band.
Paul just texted, he’s gonna be there . . .
– different Paul
Had lots of text with Paul, he wanted to come round for sex. I told him I don’t want just sex.
I feel like men are such bastards. Once again I can’t sleep and have rubbed my eyes and face.
I am so tired of it. It’s the middle of the night and I have woken once again and have rubbed my eyes and face. I feel like I want to do it really hard, really hurt myself just so I can take a few days off from the world. But I can’t even do that, I have to work, I have Nisha. I fuckin hate it.
I don’t believe in love
I need help
I need sleeping pills
I need counselling again
I know it’s my lack of belief making me do this but why hasn’t God given me any signs to restore my faith?

July 2005

July 2005

2nd July
Met gorgeous man last night!
I hope I gave him right phone number!
He likes James and is spiritual and just wants peace and quiet, plus he is a wonderful kisser. He plays guitar and writes songs but he works in carpentry, his own business, he seems pretty loaded!

He didn’t call. I’m so sure I gave him wrong number. If I did he would think I’m not interested, if I didn’t then he’s not interested. I think I will look him up and ask if I gave wrong number.
What the hell is there to lose?
But he liked (loved) James, U2, wanted peace and quiet, was so sexy, man we kissed so good! He was a gentleman, he is a hard worker, spiritual, surfer, has dreams, I was looking so great how could he not be interested?
Please God, let me work this one out!

LIVE AID?
3rd
Had Paul Evans dream, though for the first time I’ve not woken feeling happy.
We are together, well not together but we are kind of together. I get the feeling I like him more than he does me. We are in his flat, a 1st floor regency style one, with two bathrooms. We are kind of just friends but we end up having sex and it’s great. It happens a few more times but I start to get the impression
I’m being used. Plus he has two cats, so he really isn’t perfect!
Oh dear, how funny to have a dream that isn’t all I dreamt it would be.

4th
Have been so ill today, sore throat like never before and shivers and aches and pains all over. Couldn’t stop crying at one point 
Tried to get hold of that guy’s number but no success. Oh dear, it is so perplexing and so wonderful, such a good story but all I want is to see him and talk to him as I keep feeling it wasn’t real, like meeting an angel.
I keep telling myself it did happen.
Being so ill and dosed up isn’t helping my thoughts.
Dear God, the universe, let our paths cross again in the next week.
SPACE FOR HOSPITAL WRISTBAND

5th
Admitted to hospital today!
Can you believe it?
Got quinsy throat or glandular fever. On a drip as can’t swallow.
It’s amazing how we normally take such things for granted, something as simple as swallowing. How I miss it!
Maybe this infection if proof that I did kiss that guy the other night!
There is a sexy doctor here, shame I look so awful!

– London wins Olympic bid 2012
6th
Still here. My life is crazy. Have been in contemplation of death as earlier on today I felt that awful, not that I could die but what if I just did die here, this time, in the hospital, from a sore throat. For a start, I am not ready to die so it won’t happen. I do think it would make ever-so self pitying and self absorbed stuff for my book. No friends have come to visit me today. I hate that. Am feeling very self-centred. Perhaps that’s the way you should be when fighting an infection.
Anti-b’s are slow to respond. Still can’t eat, but constipated so still got pot belly. Is there no justice in this world?
Still feel like I’m tripping, but can’t speak, can’t see and am in pain so I guess it’s normal and feel out of it with so many of my senses fucked up.
Nisha came in to see me. I just cried. I couldn’t stand seeing her little face full of worry at seeing her mother ill, unable to talk. So I bloody well cry to make her feel even worse. Couldn’t control it. Si was taking the piss out of my voice and though he was trying to cheer me up, it made me feel so sorry for myself.
Please, God, help me be better tomorrow.

7th
38 dead, 700 injured. All frightened. G8. Bombs in London, on buses and on underground, Piccadilly and Kings Cross.
Start the day still dying, awful night.
The doc says he wants to take some bloods to find out if I have a blood infection.

That’s it, it’s over, I am dying. I relax at the thought. All I want is a glass of iced water. I feel my soul rise out of my body, I am dying… I am terrified. My temp. is rife. I lie back to feel the coolness of the fan and drift in and out of consciousness and dreams. I creatively visualise I am on a beach, Nisha is playing somewhere and Graham is surfing.
<—- the guy who did not call
I am so chilled and peaceful with a glass of iced water in hand and a jug of water by my side.
I am happy, drifting, in the moment.
I start to imagine my good cells busting the bad ones. An hour later I feel much better. And I keep getting better all day.
By evening I listen to some music and feel like dancing around, so happy to be alive and listening to music that makes me want to move.
Si comes in with Nisha and I get him to read the story all about my night with Graham. He is evasive but does so.
Then he says
“what colour was his sports car?”
“silver”, I say though I’m just guessing. He said he saw a light blue TVR Tuscany with white leather seats outside the charity shop earlier on today.
Oh my God.
Thank you for helping me find strength to beat this infection. I was so scared.
Thank you. Please look after the families of those killed and injured in London, please bring courage to all who live there . . .
Thank you for the day, for the care of nurses.
All that I pray for is for my path to cross that of Graham, preferably tomorrow!

9th July
My life is brilliant
My love is pure

Finally felt a bit more normal today, I feel beautiful and so lucky to be alive.
Still worried about a couple of little things that I will talk to the doc about tomorrow. But it’s off for bed now, rest, maybe dream of Graham!
Thank you God for each day.
Please help me to feel even better tomorrow and stay so full of love and have a wonderful time with my wonderful, beautiful daughter.

10th
“got to ask yourself the question – where are you now?” James Blunt

A little bit in space, body still a little bit sore, but getting so much better every day. Feel like I am in limbo. Not sure what move to make next and so am so totally focused in the present moment, healing, taking each swallow at a time, that I don’t really care where I’m going. I do still want to write my book. I feel like it’s coming to a happy ending to be honest, but then at pretty much the same time I’m concerned that an ending may not be near, an ending to this love story anyway, and I’m a bit sick of it dragging on.
This is what I would love the happy ending to be . . .
I get better and either bump in to Graham or he comes to find me at work on Saturday. We hit it off big style again and live happily ever after with a peaceful, quiet and loving life.
I am myself with him, my best self, and I go on to finish the book all about a search for love.
Sometimes I think it’s gonna be huge!
Sometimes I think I’ll never meet anyone who I connect with as well as I did with Graham.
Will need to wait and see and heal myself in the meantime. It’s a very nice place I am at anyway.
I definitely believe in an eternal soul.* The people who came to entice mine away were kind, so that’s a good thing. It’s probably just all the drugs open up windows to what we’re conscious of, then I go believe in an eternal soul.

*when super ill in hospital I really felt people trying to pull my life
out of the top of my body

13th July
Bit more on the planet today. Beaver is Graham!
I can’t believe some news I had yesterday. Kayell found out that Beaver is skint, doesn’t own his own business, drives a people carrier, is married with two kids.
I can’t believe it.
I am so stunned.
Was gonna go down to the site where he works just to find out the truth, some of it he can’t have made up. That’s what I was going to do this morning so I walked in to town and took back loads of stuff that I bought the other day and exhausted myself so bloody much that I’m now sitting down in Dingles writing this.

I really thought I had met someone. How ironic that the one time I go out feeling fab about myself, knowing who I am, that I meet a guy who I think I totally connect with, who totally blows me away and it turns out he’s a fake!

What an amazingly interesting character for my book! What on earth shall I call him? (Beaver)
But I wish I felt better to go down there. He can’t have made it all up, the stuff about the Crypt, was that all?
And, did he have some contagious throat disease . . .???
Did I give him the wrong phone number . . .???
It hasn’t sunk in, I don’t believe it, I want to go down there but I’m not well enough to.
Oh God, an end to this love search please!
_______________________________________________

I guess the thing about demons is that sometimes
they disguise themselves as angels
(written on bus, hence wobbly)
_________________________________________________

15th
Still can’t believe it about Beaver, I really can’t.
Went to work, was ok, pretty good actually. Worried about my eye.
Exhausted. <—by U2
Put on ‘Beautiful Day’, started thinking about Paul again.
Must write the story from my viewpoint now.
Getting better every day.
Thank you God x

15th
Had to go to A & E for my eye!
Can you believe it?! But it was just an eye lash rubbing against my eye.

So how does this love thing end?

Been getting on really well with Si, do we get back together?

Jim moves round the corner next week . . .
– a different Paul!
Does Paul split with Charlotte and want me?

Was it a case of mistaken identity with Beaver?

Will P.E. write me a letter?

Will I bump into the sexy doc?

Will it be someone totally new?

Who knows! Wait and see.

_________________________________

What I need from love . . .

someone to hold me and make love to me in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and fear is taking hold
someone who can take care of themselves
someone to take me and Nisha out of this place

“You thought you’d found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone to lend a hand
In return for grace”
But it’s a beautiful day.
Don’t let it get away.
Bono

“What you don’t have you don’t need it now”.

16th
Thought might win lottery, didn’t!
Went out with Cheri and Omar and Nisha. Bumped in to Jim, didn’t even recognise him. We chatted briefly, so glad I was looking so very hot and confident. Weird though. He chatted to Nisha but didn’t seem that interested. Didn’t fancy him. How funny.
– that’s cos he is horrible!

17th
Been out today till 3, came over all tired and my amazingly good mood turned to paranoia and self-doubt.
How I wish I had a real love to help me when my own self love falters. That’s why Jim was so great.
Funny to have gone from on-top-of-the-world-I-can-achieve-all-my-dreams to self-doubt – you really are delusional – in the same day. I think it’s due to my friends who really seem to knock me down, or ground me some might say.
I do need someone to remind me I can fly.

18th
Ill again, right side of throat.
Feel alone and worried, scared of the aloneness and the fact I felt like I was going to die last time.
Is there any point believing in dreams? I can’t believe I am ill again.
Why is this happening?
I am having a crisis of faith in myself.
Back on anti-biotics, caught it earlier this time.
Is this happening because my faith in myself shifted yesterday?
My ego came back, I needed compliments and reassurance from others rather than believing in myself. My friends don’t seem to believe. I should keep it all to myself.
I wish I could move back to East Sussex.
Would that be a good thing to do? For me yes but for Nisha?
Please God let these drugs work overnight so I feel a bit better tomorrow.
Please God, help me to believe in my happy ending.
__________________________________

This is a time for healing and peace.
I don’t plan to write in this diary for a while.

Later . . .
Watch ‘Sex and City’
“When will waiting for the one . . . be done?”

Paul Brunton, Vol 16
“The effects of enlightenment include; an imperturbable detachment from outer possessions, rank, honours, and persons, an overwhelming certainty about truth, a carefree, heavenly peace above all disturbances and vicissitudes; an acceptance of the general rightness of the universal situation, with each entity and each event playing its role; and impeccable sincerity which says what it means and means what it says”.

“freed from obsession with the past as well as anticipation of the future, he will regard each day as unique and live through it as if he were here for the first time”.
____________________________________

Gorgeous man
<— on way from work
it started going wrong when I didn’t talk to the man on the bus
the wanting to win the lottery
the bragging about my voice (which I’m wondering will return as throat so different now) * *after my throat thing I could sing so
well - Jo took power!
the boredom on the Sunday

_____________________________________________

PB “Changes in the functioning of man’s mind could bring about such complete changes in his sense of time that he could veritably find himself imbued with the sense of eternity . . .

PB “The realised man does not look back constantly for memories of the past and does not consider them worth recapitulating, for they belong to the ego and they are blotted out with the blocking out of the ego’s tyranny.
The only exception would be where he has to draw upon them to instruct others to help them profit by his experiences.
_______________________________________________

full moon tonight
Please let this past full-moon cycle of illness come to an end and leave me strong and full of wonder for my brilliant life.
23rd
Maybe today has just been a bad day (not bad, it’s been ok but the magic has gone again). Maybe it’s PMT. I just don’t know where my story is going.
I’m trying to write through it, write down what life is like without magic and belief. It does help.
Tomorrow will wake up, make myself look beautiful and be filled with wonder at what could happen.

24th
Couldn’t wake up, sore neck, ill and weak all day.
When will this end?
Losing faith in myself and my dreams.

25th
When I think back to last Monday, when I felt so free to be me, so beautiful, shopping for clothes that reflect who I am, my voice strong and saying what I want and what I feel, singing along to the songs in the shops with a powerful
– Jo says that ‘sore throats can affect hearing’
voice, until Jo cuts me down to size and I start feeling really tired and ‘wrong’. Next morning, sore throat and self doubt set in.
Will I ever get back there to the beauty and love? Was I a fool to believe in it? All I know is I was happy then.
Fuck Jo and Kayell and all the other so-called friends who clip my wings.
I don’t need them, they are not there for me. I will show them love, respect and positivity but will expect nothing in return.

29th
Seem to be in inertia. I hate it. Why does it have to be up and down and up and down?
I don’t believe in myself or my story and I hate it.
What I want is this:-
to be able to do the MA course
to move away
to really be with someone
to believe in myself again
In no particular order
‘you wonder if your chance
Will ever come
you’re stuck in square one’

June 2005

June 2005

1st June
Watch Sex and City to cheer myself up. Carrie has written a book all about Big. She sees Big and he wants to know if he really was such a shit. Remind you of someone? In the future that is, if I could just get something written down.
Today has been horrid, tomorrow I’m gonna make myself look beautiful and get out there!

2nd
Ok today but Nisha been sad about Si and I, jealous about Jim and I, worried about Si getting a new daughter…
Oh my poor princess. I wish I could make it better for her.

3rd
Went out last night to see a band play. It was fab. Was saying to my friend how my ideal man is a musician and he said I “set my sights too high”. That really annoyed me, I hate that attitude. But maybe I’m so annoyed because he’s right? Ended up crying little tears for Jim as I really want him.
Had a dream telling me that I need to flirt more. An old beautiful friend Juliet was in it.
Think Juliet!
– explain Juliet

5th June
Can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about Jim. Can’t smoke, dying for cig, can’t write.
Please God get me through the night without rubbing my eyes and face.
Maybe tonight I’ll dream about the man who’s coming my way…………
I cry myself to sleep. I remember it’s been a few days since I had the feeling that I wasn’t real. That’s positive.

So why am I not writing?
I don’t know the ending
fear
want to get over it
I am tired

7th
Started writing! Went down to Exmouth early and wrote for 3 hours. Has taken mind off of Jim no end. I think it was good writing too.
Today has been very lovely and sunny and I have felt pretty much the same.
Maybe tonight I’ll dream…….

8th
Feel a bit more over Jim today, only think of him when something reminds me (all sorts of music, places we went to) am scared that this means I won’t write anymore.

10th
It’s been a good day, started so badly (ill, tired, late for work, PMT feeling fat and ugly).
Think am over Jim, though would love to hear from him soon.
Thank you God x

Things I hate
not having enough time to make myself look great

12th 1.30p.m.
Day at work. Then sleep. Then out with Jo to Timer. Then cry in toilet briefly as so want someone to make me feel beautiful. I can do that myself to a point but oh my god I miss Jim.
Trying to keep the faith. Jeff Buckley playing in my head.

13th
Jim texted. Not a nice one, very mate-y. Not texted back as phone busted. He wants to “pop round” Thursday to get key, book, video. Said “nice one”! Can’t believe that.

14th
Text him back, got my power back. Just was honest, no games, said “Not sure about Thursday. Will let you know”. I feel so great! Am getting there!

Had a Paul Evans dream. It’s like seeing an angel as on waking I feel so happy and complete and then I realise it’s been a dream and end up feeling a kind of happy/sad feeling.

But anyway, this is what happened.
I’m in his bedroom, it looks like Jim’s but a bit bigger. I’m not sure how I got there but I am there on my own (no Nisha). We are in bed, dressed, glad we’ve found each other, just laughing and having the most wonderful kisses. We don’t talk about it all, all the years. I tell him I’m writing a book about it all. I’m so natural with him.
A small aeroplane crashes down the side of the house (my house now) but it’s only a toy one. (What the hell does that mean?)

Been a good day. Had writing class. Bit worried won’t write book.

“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure. . .”
James Blunt

15th
Another day, no writing. Have been doing so much in the day that come evening I’m really too tired to focus on it.
And of course I’m scared.
Tomorrow evening I’ll write, or maybe at work I’ll get some done.
It’s been a good day. Nisha is still sad and says about missing a little boy she met at nursery called Thomas. Got her to write down her happy memories of him and she went to sleep happy. Maybe she’ll dream of him!

19th June
I haven’t written for 4 days and have been rubbing my eyes for 3 nights.
So why am I not writing and why am I rubbing eyes?
I feel I don’t have enough ‘me’ time, because of this project at school.
I’m not believing in it anymore.
(Not believing in it makes me rub my eyes.)

Later . . .
I really feel like I can’t write, like I don’t believe, like what’s the point, like the magic is gone, like I’m kidding myself, like there’s something missing.
Work was boring. I didn’t feel interested in anything, not connected. I prayed a little. I went to the gym.
Tomorrow is another day.
Where is the love?

Nisha was upset again about her great granddad. I’m not sure how to help her deal with the idea of death. I feel it’s best if she just accepts it and makes sure that each day she tries her best and makes the most of life. My mum says she’ll need counselling but I hope I can give her all I know so she doesn’t. She needs to know that being deep isn’t a bad thing. I always thought it was. I’ll let her pray and believe in it all but most of all I want her to believe in herself and in love.

20th
So fed up again, tired, PMT.
Can’t write, still missing Jim, still don’t want to see him as still angry.
Can’t wait till the weekend, to go out and have some fun.

I just want another chance,
With Jim or Paul.

Dawn, summer solstice

Please let there be magic today.
Please let me see it again.

When you try your best
But you don’t succeed
When you get what you want
But not what you need
Stuck in reverse

When tears come streaming
Down your face
When you lose something
You can’t replace
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When you’re too in love
To let it go but
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle,
You can’t find your missing piece?

21st June
I feel shit.
Feel like I’m not getting anywhere, am doing too much, lost, like nobody will ever love me, like I’ll never love anyone, like I’m not in control, fat, ugly, talentless, tired of it all, that this will never end, trapped.

22nd
I feel better! Don’t know why, maybe the full moon, but anyway.
I had a dream about Jim last night. He turned up on my doorstep looking very short, hair awful, teeth super yellow, but I still loved him and I told him so.

25th
I find a bag in the charity shop saying ‘The world revolves around me’. I decide to carry it everywhere.

“My life is brilliant”
“the thunder sounds like Indian drums” <—–Nisha aged 5

SPACE FOR CINEMA TICKET (A LOT LIKE LOVE)
26th
Didn’t see Jim, texted a bit, told him how I feel, feel better for doing so.
Planning on posting his stuff tomorrow and there’s only 3 things I want from him
Key
Letter (if he has it)
For him to say hello to Nisha when he sees her as he’s gonna be living round the corner

Going to shelve the book idea (Paul and Jim) for a while and try to write one for Nisha.
Been rubbing eyes lots. Got to stop as utter madness otherwise.
Will write about how I get on as that really helps.
Ideas for Nisha’s book (themes)
part of the human race
the answer is love
love yourself
reality
God
wanting things
magic
tears and sadness
beauty
staying in the moment
death
planets spinning

26th
Watch a documentary on AIDS in Africa. Cry. I so want to help, make a huge difference. I wish for success that my message will be heard so I can help others, humanity, individuals, this world of ours.

29th
I keep feeling unreal. What’s real?
I’m sure I’m just getting used to feeling happier but it does blow my mind at times.
Been at work, I just want peace. Work has been busy and not as peaceful as it usually is. I’ve been doing too much. There’s too much to read, to watch, to change, to contemplate. Tired, I guess. Bit lonely, perhaps.
What do I hope for? Peace, love and beauty. To stay on my path. To be myself. To be a good mother. To be a good friend, a good person. To find someone who loves and understands me, to help me to fly. To find some new music.
Please, God, bring me love, peace and beauty.

Watch ‘Sex and City’. Theme –
‘maybe everything happens for a reason’!!!
‘Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?’

I don’t think everything happens for a reason, but some things definitely do. I do think you can search for the reason, it only comes with time and days and hindsight. It’s not immediate.

May 2005

3rd May
Today has been such a great day. Nothing amazing has happened but I have felt very much in control and relaxed and patient!! All that last week was PMT, worst in a long time, years. It was all made worse by the fact that I wasn’t sure if it was PMT and didn’t have a clue what was happening with my body or when my period would arrive!
Things have been a bit weird with Jim but although he is doing my head in a bit I do think he’s so good for me. I did his head in last week and apparently told him (when I was really drunk, no recollection) that I was insecure 80% of the time which he of course finds very unattractive. I do not believe I am 80% insecure but I guess having nearly 2 weeks of bad days had led me to say such a thing. Anyway, it seems cool now. I just want to take each day as it comes, such a contrast from last month! But I feel like I’m going to like it being normal.

5th May
Today has been wonderful as I felt so normal, relaxed. Nothing amazing happened. I feel positive and patient. I hope such feelings last!

6th May
It’s been normal today too, but I’ve not enjoyed it as much! I got confused when Jim texted me at work saying he was busy tonight and asking me what my plans were. My plans were to see him. I thought that was his plan. It’s just such a change from last month. Already I have started thinking about Paul and whether it’ll work. But does that mean I’m just a dreamer who needs to put my feet back on the ground?
I wonder what tomorrow will bring. It’s like all my life, the last ten years at least, I’ve longed to be with a man like Jim. Last month was wonderful but now I’m wondering if I’m actually right for the type of man I’ve been dreaming of being with for ten years!

7th May
Feeling much more positive and philosophical about it all today. Had a good workout and that helped sort my head out. Realised that just as I was feeling comfortable enough to tell Jim all about ‘me’, he pulled away and now I’m not sure I can trust him. I told him this, on the phone. I didn’t feel much like seeing him today anyway. I suggested maybe we should take a break for a few weeks until he gets back from Thailand. He said “that’s one hell of a long break”.
He seems to be freaking out a bit, about the house he’s planning to buy, about things being great (!) with me, about how lucky he is to have a family who love him, friends who support him. It all seems a bit too grown up I guess and I think he’s running from the commitment.
As usual, Kayell has been a great source of support and honesty. I am so blessed to have her around. Have just spent a lovely day with Nisha and am not panicking about a thing! How refreshing!
It’s all rama. X

Life is like this beautiful poem
Perfect and confusing
With no one really sure
What it’s all about.

Sometimes it flows

8th May
Feeling ok. The Jim and Jen confusion remains although it all makes sense to me, I just have not seen him to tell him.
I think it’s like this. I met Jim, he was looking to change, settle down. He met me who he falls in love with as I am so very lovely to him. I fall in love with him as he makes me feel like the person I want to be, I also want to change.
A month of talk of marriage, babies, even a pregnancy scare, moving in, the cost of engagement rings, who’d be the bridesmaids and who’d be his best man, passes.
It gets too much to keep up the pretence, although neither of us is playing a game. We both want the changes but the old us creeps back. Jim needs to withdraw so starts going out more and more, or being on his own more and more. I don’t want to tell Jim about the old me so I don’t; my skin gets worse and I start changing but I still can’t talk as Jim has pulled away just as I started to trust him, just as I felt I could talk about the old me.
SO here we are!
I have no idea what will happen next! What I would like to happen is
To tell Jim all about the other/old me
To try and be together!
Watch this space ……

9th May
I split up with Jim today. He said he didn’t want to be with someone who had children. We were meant to meet tomorrow and talk about it but I just couldn’t be treated like it anymore.
I’m kind of regretting it now.
He never read the letter. I can’t give it to him now.
Have been listening to all the songs he has left me, just keep crying here and there. Am terrified I won’t find a love like this again. At the same time, I do feel positive. I have learnt lots. I wish I’d opened up earlier but I didn’t. That was the way it was meant to be this time round.

10th May ’05 8a.m.
Oh, I feel so happy! It all makes sense, this crazy life. Talked to Jim late last night, he didn’t get the text that I dumped him. So I told him, we talked. He said he was mixed up because he didn’t want a relationship with someone who has a child. And I felt so happy about that because it’s the one thing about me that I cannot change. That’s so refreshing! I don’t want to change that huge part of me! I feel so happy with myself. I don’t care what Jim does. He will accept me as I am or not. I don’t care! He’s coming round later. I think I’ll let him read that letter I wrote the other day as I really feel all that shit is all in the past.
I think I’ve found an ending to my second book, the romance, the answer to the Paul Evans’ enigma. He was my search for self-love.
I have found it.
I hope I can hold on to it.

Later …..
Oh, I am so in love!
Listening to songs Jim made me. I am so in love with him and I need him so badly. I need him to help me hold on the real me.
He didn’t come round, promises to come round tomorrow.
I guess with the whole thing he said about not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child, which is who I am and can’t be changed, well I never wanted to get involved with someone who is a party animal* But that’s who he is and I can’t change it. I don’t want to change it. I do hope he comes around and says the same thing about me being a mummy. *cocaine freak.
I think we would make each other, and let each other, grow.
He’s perfect for me, but he’s not perfect.

Oh my God, the world is spinning through space. I feel so unsafe.
There are lives everywhere, doing something right now.

I don’t need him to fix my wings.
But I need him to remind me I can fly.

11th May
Dear Diary
Help me make sense of all this!
Jim cancelled coming round tonight as well! I just want an end to all of this.
I don’t understand.
Trying to think it’s all the way it’s meant to be, but it’s so hard to hold on to it.
I am so worried I’ll never find love like this again. It was what I always dreamt of, and I’m a good person, I just want my dreams to come true.
Tomorrow is another day. Be patient. I just want to find love.
I haven’t a clue what Jim may say. I do think he’s going to say that he just got caught up in it all and has made a mistake. And if that is so then I’m so glad it’s happening now, only after 5 months of splitting from Si. The only problem is I cannot imagine for one second finding anyone as attractive as I find Jim*
I really can’t.
*hahaha he’s disgusting!!

But that’s silly as only today a really gorgeous man smiled at me as I walked up the street and I thought I’d like to talk to him.
This is so crazy! I hate feeling like this! Only 24 hours and, if Jim actually turns up, I’ll be out of this misery, and in to a different emotion, then again, maybe he’ll ask me to marry him. I’d say yes! I am so crazy, aren’t I diary?!
I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This big test is to see if I can cope with it all without rubbing eyes or face.
The only thing I can think of, in a future without Jim, is Paul Bloody Evans! Oh for fuck’s sake when will this be resolved???
Can’t even remember the last time I saw Jim.

‘How many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
all the love is in my mind?’
The Verve

A practice run, perhaps? I have learnt one hell of a lot, about love.
I really, truly do not believe I have loved someone before, before Jim.
It’s such a grown up love. *THIS IS HILARIOUS TO READ
Definitely a lesson I had to learn.
Whatever he says is the way it’s meant to be for me. I feel he has been my teacher and I am still learning from him.

14th May
Jim and I are no longer together but we want to meet up whenever and talk. Could be a week or a year, who knows?
I realise what happened. I, not feeling beautiful as had been scratching my skin, had started to drain his energy as I was relying on him to make me feel beautiful. He, in return, feeling drained, became selfish. I didn’t realise that in the past he had been too giving. Some of his friends said that “It was about time” he became selfish.
And I’ve been so fine on my own!
Today has been the best day of my life; nothing spectacular has happened. I’ve been at work. I’ve been so happy and positive, even though the day started a bit badly as I feel like I really want to be with my soul mate and I have so much love to give. I thought the day would drag. But eventually I just stayed in the moment and did what makes me happy at work, reading etc., as well as working very well. I even saw some guy today, our eyes locked and my stomach flipped. I’m sure he could sense it. But that was all. He was with his girlfriend anyhow. I wonder what that means? I hope it means that I’m in tune and will, from now on, realise connections with people. Maybe this is how you feel when you meet your soul mate? That certainly would be amazing. And it has rained all day, have been so cold, think am coming down with something……and still feel so balanced.
Wow!
If you love someone, set them free
If they return it was meant to be.

Jim left a key here that he thought was mine. He needs it back. I wonder if that happened because we were meant to see each other again soon.
Will have to wait and see!
I called my parents up the other day to say “Guess what? I think I’ve finally grown up!” I feel so in control, know who I am, am happy with who I am, love life, feel so blessed, feel that I can get what I want.

What I want is this:
to find my soul mate
to write my book
to be a good mother
to continue to feel beautiful
to be a good person

I wish I’d bought the Big Issue off the Somerfield Guy. I must do that next time I see him.

I have found my voice.

15th May
Last 3 Sundays when I’m working have been so great but today after a weekend of work I’m home alone, dinner on my own. I’m meeting Em later so it’s ok. I can’t stop thinking about Si. Oh my God, I didn’t mean to write that. I was thinking of Jim. I can’t stop thinking about Jim. Oh but shit now I’m thinking about Si!
(Anyway, 3 fortnight Sundays ago I was out at the pub 3 Fat Fish. Met Jim. 2 fortnight Sundays ago I was out with Sarah, Lee and Jim. The last fortnight Sunday I was in the pub with Jim and all his mates, getting hideously drunk and saying all sorts of stuff to Jim, that I cannot really recall.
Wow! What a crazy time. I miss it.
On the Sundays in between ? – I am away in Bexhill, then I’m not sure, then we watch that film, then we’re not together, and so I dump him the next day!)
Later…….
So this Sunday I go out and I feel so beautiful. It’s an eventful Sunday even though not much happens. I just feel so centred and calm and happy and beautiful. Missed Jim, but saw two men I was attracted to. It’s like I’ve worked out who I’m attracted to but now I have the confidence to perhaps get someone interested, if I was interested in all that at the moment.

16th May
Time has slowed down so much it’s driving me crazy. I have done lots today and have been feeling so relaxed and in control and on the right path.
But I am so missing him. It’s been 1½ days since I heard from him and since he heard from me. I am dying to bump in to him and let him know what I think went wrong with us and that I think we should try again.
Oh God, I’m so ready for love. I pray that I meet my soul mate.
Went in to Somerfield to get some change to buy the Big Issue and when I came out of the shop, the seller was gone! That made me smile.
Later……
Relapse. couldn’t sleep. rubbed eyes and face. feel awful. can’t stop sneezing. middle of the night. It didn’t bring me any relief. Has just made me feel utterly awful.

17th May
Oh, I’m so fed up with this taking each day as it comes thing. I hate being on my own each evening. But I have been picking up the phone and talking. I’d say today was a bad day. I phoned Jim, no answer, he called me back. I said, after small talk, that I like to see him soon and he said “Mmmm” meaning “I thought we said after I come back from Thailand”. So I feel like I’ve fucked that up, but at least I can move on a little bit as it doesn’t appear he’s that bothered. Bed soon, hope I sleep well. Tomorrow’s another day, after all!

18th May
A good day, even though did lots of things wrong at work! Just feel like I’m learning from it, not annoyed about it. How grown up!
Texted Jim a bit, we nearly fell out but it’s okay. He needs space. I need a test. Whatever happens, I have faith in it!

19th May
Another good day! It ain’t been great, nothing exciting happened. Just been so focused and relaxed. Cool! An old lady told me I was very beautiful. I feel beautiful inside and out!
It seems like so long since I saw Jim, one week but since I saw him in a romantic way it’s been ages. Am worried he’s just going to forget about it all. I guess it’s because I find myself moving on from it so fast. I just wish he’d get in touch. There’s so much I don’t know about him. Please, God, let us meet up again soon. Please don’t let him be just another lesson I had to learn. I really need to talk to him. Am pretty sad I’m not going to the wedding tomorrow. Oh wow, what a crazy couple of months.
What I think is that if Jim came back, he’d slot into my life perfectly now. That’s the missing piece! Before the puzzle was only half done.

20th May
It’s been a good day at work. But these evenings alone are hard. Today I was meant to be going to a wedding with Jim and it’s made me pretty sad at times. I wonder what he’s up to. I wish he would get in touch. I really need to talk to him about things.
Time may be the greatest healer, but time is running so slow and time is hard to fill.

21st May
Had a dream about Jim. He came round to my parents’ house and said it wasn’t working because I didn’t like his hair, he’s shaved it off. I get mad at him, throwing stuff and hitting him till eventually he goes. I never said that about his hair.
22nd May
Went out last night and had a good time, Timepiece with Susan and Kayell. Bumped in to a couple of Jim’s friends and said how much I really want to talk to him but he needs space. Apparently he had a shit time at the wedding which cheered me up no end! Today I feel happy/sad/happy/sad, balancing myself somewhere in the middle. Still feel so blessed, think I am finally getting used to the time-slowing-down thing, which is good as it has been so strange.

Later…….
Finally, Jim got in touch. He has met a girl who he is in love with. He met her a few months ago and they went out for a short while. He is so lucky. * WHY HAVE I NOT WRITTEN TOSSER HERE? We had a good talk, nearly an hour and it’s all cool. It’s so exciting for my book! I can’t stop thinking about Paul, but have to concentrate on writing, not the future. It’s been ten weeks to the day, a Sunday. I’m so happy not to be in limbo anymore.

23rd Oasis day on Radio 1

24th May
Woke feeling so tired, dragged myself to school then came home and went back to bed. Had a dream:-

Am driving red car (bashed at back) with Nisha. I try to get up this hill, it’s very steep and I can’t get the car in to first gear, so the car starts slipping back down the hill and I have to manoeuvre it between parked cars, trying not to hit them until the road goes up again and so I stop. Two very gorgeous policemen help me 

Got Coldplay single. Fantastic.

‘If you never try then you’ll never know’

Got the fear about writing my book. Cried. It was the strangest feeling, no self-pity, only fear of success. Never had that before.

Later…… idiot
l
Watched video of Jim “rockin”. It made me smile but it’s ten years ago and he hasn’t changed. Made me want to move away from Exeter. I don’t want to stay the same like that.
And am sad as am alone when I want to share my life with someone. Am getting used to the time thing. Am getting used to my beauty.
I keep thinking things aren’t over with Jim. But who knows?
I wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Lesson for today
I hate being hateful
Kl said today that she thinks some people are born evil……I hate that way of thinking. She thinks that being loving is draining. I have a feeling we could end up falling out.

25th
Watched ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ – it really reminded me of Jim, as the Holly Golightly character and me the writer. How bizarre. I keep thinking that things aren’t over between us, the rest is unwritten. It’s very strange. But just going to concentrate on making myself beautiful, inside and out.
Am not going to look for Paul. Not at the moment anyway.

26th
Today woke up feeling so tired and confused about the last 2 months. Am fearful about losing this positivity. It’s only 8.30. I wonder what will happen today.
Busy day but now feel so jaded, so fat, so cynical about love. I hate it! Am so confused about the Jim Paul things. Please God bring back the love I felt. Jo says all men are bastards. I don’t want to think this but it’s creeping in. Self-love seems to be going as skin great but feel fat.
Oh God, bring back the love. It gave me so much power.
Hate No 2: Not believing in love!
No signs today. Bring back my faith in love.
Love is going, self-love diminishing.
Earlier on I rubbed my eyes so that I could feel normal…I hate feeling normal!
Guess I’ll just have to get used to being loved up and full of wonder.

‘Oh my star is fading
And I swim out of control’.

Watched ‘Sex and City’, feel better.
l
the one where Carrie writes her book

Maybe will find love tomorrow!

‘Why do we get sad about the one thing we don’t have?’

Tomorrow will make myself look beautiful and believe in love!

28th
Good couple of days, keeping happy and learning lots about myself.
God bless my family and friends. Please let me meet up with Alison Tuesday and please let Jim come round Tuesday night.

30th May
Saw Alison today so thank you God for answering that prayer. We had a really nice lunch at her house and she drove Nisha around on her lawn mower. It was so sweet!
Maybe prayer No 2 will be answered, seeing Jim. He is so fast becoming this distant memory and I totally hate it.
Please God let him visit tomorrow evening. Please God let me find the love to write and to live.
Thank you for all my blessings x

31st May
A couple who I thought were perfect break up. My belief in love is fading and so with it my desire to write.
Jim didn’t come round. Fuck him.

April 2005

16th April
I haven’t written for ages as I have been too busy floating away! I am totally and utterly blown away by Jim! I can’t explain well enough how fantastic all this is. I have only known him for 4 weeks yet it seems like a lifetime. It doesn’t seem real, too good to be true, like I’m dreaming. He thinks I’m the one and I’m so sure he is the one for me, though I feel so sure of it that it may not be real.
He lifts me up, makes me feel so comfortable with myself, makes me feel like my best self.
We have talked about marriage and children and it’s so crazy that we are not freaked out one bit by it!
This is what I always dreamed of, not being patient, being passionate, just being me.
Thankyou God and the universe. X
17th April, 3.30 a.m.
Dear diary,
I can’t sleep and I have rubbed a patch of my face on my jaw in my sleep. When’s it going to end? I woke at half 2, rubbed my eyes, not too bad but enough to make me feel tired and look sad. A bad night, Jim is away. He knows nothing of this, or maybe he does as it is written on my face. My plan is to tell him tonight.
If he is the one, then he will understand and help to heal me.

‘Fall in to a spin
Shed another skin
Strip away all your protection’

‘Do everything you fear
In this there’s power
Fear is not to be afraid of’’
SCANNED HOROSCOPE CUTTING HERE
Horoscope, Thursday 15th April ‘05

26th April ‘05
I crashed my car the other day, went up the back of someone. Had to do Nisha’s birthday party straight after. It was horrible and I am so upset about the car as I totally loved it! I managed to tell my sister today but I don’t think I’ll tell my parents until they get back from holiday next week.
I feel like such a mess. It is no wonder I crashed as I have been so stressed out and distracted, like my head is a de-tuned radio.
I am worried I may be pregnant. Things with Jim have gone a bit ‘normal’ and I’m having a real reality check after the last month of passion and love. I still really like him. I feel it’s me causing the problem.
28th April
All the last month I have hardly written a thing in my diary. I have felt so happy I have not felt the need to but I am thinking that I will start writing more frequently. BAD days have been becoming more and more common, which makes me turn to writing. But I should document the good stuff too.
Managed to get to bed without rubbing my eyes but did end up rubbing one in my sleep. Mornings are hard. I can’t find much motivation. I hope today will be a doing day. Today I am grateful for my wonderful daughter, my supportive friends, Jim, my creativity.

Later……..
What a day! Have done so much today and ended up in a panic at 5pm. Have been worrying about work, the car, applying for housing benefit, telling Jim about the former me. It’s been pretty awful. I’ve been doing too much.
I am so impatient for success and I forget how crazy being impatient makes me. I have forgotten that tomorrow may be totally different. Every day in the past ten has been pretty horrid, stemming from how I feel about how I look. I have been rubbing my eyes and now also my face, not much, but just enough to make myself looked tired and concerned that people are looking at my skin.
I haven’t been going to the gym, sleeping enough, eating or drinking enough, (smoking too much), doing anything creative, being me, etc etc.
I feel like I’m spinning plates, and I hate it.

March 2005

1st March
Had a Paul Evans dream last night.
I was at a party with no one I recognised. Just as I was going home I get a text from Paul saying how he was always thinking about me and that he thinks I’m his soul mate and that he wants to meet.
I am disappointed and happy on waking, that I don’t have his number, happy that his dreams leave me feeling so positive. I will carry on praying that we meet or that I hear from him.
Later……..
rubbed one eye. Am so worried. Why can’t I stop? What is going wrong?
Feel invaded. Try to do routine, can’t
Nisha is in my bed. Don’t sleep so well
Making house nice, don’t really want to be here
Where else could I go?
Feel like a child, can’t say no
People pleaser
Can’t see
Can’t wear make-up
Can’t go shopping
Haven’t been going to gym
Can’t pamper myself
Feel so controlled
House such a mess
Parents arguing

What would you like?

To move away to my own house, in Lewes or round about Brighton. The house would be as good as, or better than this one.
To feel happy on my own.
To be in touch with Paul again.
To get out of my trap that I make for myself when I rub my eyes.

Things I have achieved

Painted house
Bought things have wanted to buy for ages
Stopped panicking about future
Got a job
Finally single
Cleared the past

2nd March
Rubbed eyes again.
Worried about my dad. He needs love.
“ “ my job
“ “ my eyes

3rd March
Have carpet! It’s been a tense day with my dad, morning rather, but has ended better. Eyes are getting better, back to work Wednesday. Have weekend to make house lovely. Just got to make it through to the morning without rubbing eyes and I’ll be back on the road to mending myself and my life.
Tomorrow I hope to
Go to gym
Go into town
Paint living room, blue lots
Have fun night out with Susan

6th March ‘Mother’s Day’
Exhausted, went out last night. Si was at place I went to even though I told him I would be there. He introduced me to his new Topsham friends but I wasn’t wanting to meet them. Last view of him was him walking out with short girl with blond hair, didn’t see her face. They weren’t hand in hand or anything, just laughing.
He didn’t go to work next morning, I checked. I have been so annoyed all day as I had Nisha so he could go to work. He didn’t get me a Mother’s Day present. Feel I have been giving and doing too much.
Am not as over him as I thought.
I feel so lost, like I don’t know what I want to do or where I am going to.
My dad is still here doing house which looks fantastic. But it is nicer to be here. Still not sure if want to be here. Probably meant to be here. Want to be near P.E. (Paul) but haven’t a clue where he is.

8th March
Dad went away today. Already I feel a bit lonely but at least I am lonely in much nicer surroundings. Tomorrow back to work, not looking forward to it. I have PMT, hence the negativity. You never know what may happen tomorrow. Maybe P will send a letter, maybe wishes come true.

13th March
It’s been okay. Work was okay.
I haven’t felt that lonely either. My mind hasn’t drifted to Si very much. I’ve had some fun, some ‘me’ time. Nisha has been driving me a bit mad, answering back and wearing me down. Si had her all day today. I miss her! I need to try to be a better mummy. Sometimes I feel as though I’m getting to be a bit like Kayell is with Orla, shouting in an amazingly booming voice, I hate it. But it is getting so tiring being on my own with her.
Tomorrow I hope to
Go to the gym
Go to help at Nisha’s school
Write

24th March
I have met such a wonderful man. He is called Jim and he so totally reminds me of Paul, in his attitude. I think he is exactly what I need. I feel so blessed, have such a fantastic daughter, wonderful friends, supportive family, lovely job, and now a new boyfriend who is so in to me.
.
Thank you God and the universe.

I had to sit down to kiss him – not tall enough

31st March
Got back from parents yesterday. It was good to see them and we all got on pretty well. Got my new car which is totally great and I really like driving it. Have missed Jim quite a bit, which is a bit crazy seeing as only seen him 3 times. When I told him I missed him he said “I know what you mean”.
Anyway I do feel so motivated and energetic and pretty happy.
Shopping today with Susan. Will be good to see her.

February 2005

7th Feb
Wow it’s been some time since I wrote.
I have been managing to deal with life without the need to journal it all. Been busy, working.
And Si and I are still separate.
Loneliness not been so bad. Asked him last Thursday if he’d thought about things. He went right into his shell. I don’t think he’s had enough time yet – he doesn’t want to leave me in limbo. He has been seeing someone else, Nina, so this paranoia was intuition after all. He says he doesn’t fancy her though he thought he did. I wonder what will happen now. Will he start missing me? I am going to try really hard and not say a thing. He wants to be in control. I dream of him each night. We are together in these dreams and I feel a little sad on waking.
But though sad I do wonder that if Si isn’t the one, how am I going to meet him? Where will it happen? When? I find all that quite exciting.

10th Feb
Dreamt that Si and I were making up and making love last night. It didn’t get the day off to a good start. Think I have PMT too so it took a while to cheer up – BUT I DID CHEER UP – then whilst waiting for the bus home, Si drove past and I got a lift from him. I could hardly talk to him as I was too busy biting my tongue. That horrid feeling returned in the stomach and I just wanted to tell him I don’t want to see him. But I have to see him as he’s Nisha’s dad.
I just can’t wait till Saturday (night out in London).

11th Feb – Friday
Admitted to hospital with sore eye. So scared. Doctor said it could be bug that eats my eye. Waiting on test results. Have own room though.
Just want a cuddle from Si. It breaks my heart. Why is this happening? Especially after I stop rubbing my eyes, after all these years.
Just want a cuddle.
Dreamt about Si again last night. I trust the process of life though.
All is well, apart from my eye.

12th Feb
Didn’t stop much at all last night and was in tears today worrying that I may have to get a glass eye or become blind. Neither has been suggested. It is just my imagination.
Lots of lovely people came to visit me today, firstly Jo who brought me chocolates, tulips and magazines. She made me laugh loads.
Then later I cried. I am now in a ward and I had to stifle my crying too – I cried for longer than usual, full of self-pity.
Longing for my hand to be held by Simon as he sits by my side. I felt so alone. I know I am not.
Alyson drove down to visit, bought me ear plugs for which I am eternally grateful, and a book and more chocs.
Si and Nisha came in.
So did Kayell and Orla.
I am a lucky girl.

13th Feb
When I woke up this morning my eye was much better. I went for a little jog around the hospital grounds after breakfast. I decided that me being in hospital is a big test to see if Si would come back to me. I am thinking about moving in to my mum’s house.
I told Si how I was feeling. I couldn’t see his expression but his head went side to side in a ‘no’ when I said that I thought it might bring him back to me, change things. I must move on and it breaks my heart.
Why did he love me when I wasn’t shining?
My eye is so much better. I am not allowed to wear contact lenses for a month. Find out tomorrow if I can have some glasses. A fantastic nurse looked after me today. I was very relieved at gaining some information about what was wrong with me.
The Barefoot Doctor in The Observer on Sunday recommends that if there is any aspect of your life you’re feeling stuck in right now, this is an optimum time to raise arms to the sky, and addressing whatever-it-is say

‘Let the force of the adventure carry me to fresh pastures now’.

It’s worth a shot.

Am still a romantic fool thinking that Si will change his mind and declare love for me tomorrow, as it is Valentine’s day.

14th Feb 05
Si didn’t declare love for me, not yet anyway. Still an hour and a half to go.
I cried a little today as do honestly feel that I am not looking forward to going home. Here is preferable to the loneliness I feel when I sit alone in that house, the entrapment, the absence of Simon. I’ll take each day as it comes but the feeling about that place never goes away. I love Exeter but it isn’t home.

16th Feb
Still in hospital. Eye looks much better. Not feeling so awful about going home. That was PMT. Still waiting for something positive to happen.
Saw Si. Have decided not to say a word to him about me and him. The Valentine’s card was the final thing. It’s up to him and what he wants.
So hard being on my own. I just want to be loved. I know Nisha loves me and my family and friends love me but I want to feel secure and looked after, to have intimacy, to be held. I don’t think I’ll ever get it from Si. I feel like I wanted a dream that was never going to happen, but I kept trying to make it happen.
Sometimes when I look at Si and think I want him I remember how it was me driving it along, never him. He’s so wishy washy. Sometimes I see the face of his brother Nathan instead of Si’s face and it reminds me of who Si is.
Give me love over this.
I wish him love and success.

‘Hate is a good thing.
Hate something, change something.’

18th Feb
Home again. Am coping. But I so need a cuddle, to be loved by a man.

21st Feb
Just couldn’t keep my mouth shut about me and Si. I can’t stand seeing him yet I want to see him and I want him to stay. I always think he’s going to change his mind. He never says ‘No, I’m not going to change my mind’ and I guess that’s because he doesn’t know how he’s going to feel, he’s just taking each day as it comes. He’s getting closer to Nina, I can tell. I get so worried he will get her pregnant or something. I’ve got to give him space. I don’t want to see him. I think I will ask him to move out all his stuff and I think I need the key to the house back. At the same time I don’t want it back. I want him back. I just keep trying to remember negatives about him. I don’t want to pressure him. I need to leave it alone. I am so lonely. I need him, I don’t need him.
Why does this pain have to last so long? I spent so many years not wanting to be with him whenever he was with me. I want to make love to him. I told him that tonight. I asked him to stay just one night. I want us to make love. Maybe I should’ve said I wanted us to have sex. Making love is too strong. Maybe I’ll end up saying that next time.
I just want to keep my mouth shut.

23rd
My dad has been here since yesterday fixing things that have been neglected for years. It is providing me with a great sense of motivation. It has been so nice to have some company, even though we don’t talk. It’s just so good to have someone here to fill the void.
I saw Si today, he drove past thinking he was to pick Nisha up from school. I wasn’t expecting it, I didn’t want to see him. I felt that sickness in my stomach and my blood ran cold. But I’ve been feeling so much stronger, if exhausted.

26th
Feel like am spiralling back down in to feeling bad about myself, and have rubbed eyes and face for 3 days running.
main feelings are:-
trapped (in house. Wish could move away)
lonely (although have wonderful friends just phone call away)
have not been able to do things to make me feel like am taking care of myself
not going to gym
not being able to wear make up
avoiding mirrors
not able to go out to have fun
not working
get tireder every day

things I can do
relax
write
read
walk
get house looking great
music
Have been managing not to think about Si, or rather not feel sorrow about Si and I. Rather I feel angry when I think of him and me. This has been really positive to think this way and so I do feel that I have moved on.
I feel fearful that I am not a nice enough person to receive love from anyone new.
I keep thinking about Paul… have I mentioned him yet?. I wish he’d come back in to my life.

28th
Exhausted. I really need to get to the gym. I would love to be able to drive my car back to Exeter tomorrow. Rubbed eye again. Carpet has been cancelled. What a pain. Dad coming back with me to Exeter. I want some time on my own.

January 2005

January 2005

1st Jan ‘05
Today has been a wonderful day. I feel so relaxed and so full of anticipation – I love that word – for the year. I feel full of energy and yet so peaceful.
Have spent the day clearing and cleaning. I wish Si could just move all his stuff out. I don’t want it here any more. I want the space. I want to make this space mine. Am going to paint kitchen, turquoise perhaps. I am going to surround myself with things I love.
I feel blessed today, lucky to be me, where I am.

2nd Jan
God I need a cigarette!

Today I woke late, I woke happy. My skin was/is clear and my eyes are bright. I went to get the Sunday papers, filled with stories all about the Tsunami which hit several countries in the Indian Ocean on boxing day. Christmas day night I awoke after an intensely vivid dream where I was in an Asian country, trying to find safety from an impending tidal wave. Nisha and I climb up several flights in a building and watch in shock as the sea rises and rises, up past the windows of the room in which we stand; we wait for them to smash and fill the room with death. But they do not… the water level recedes very quickly and then through the window there is a beautiful, exotic sunset.

I am feeling rather freaked out by the fact in have this dream the day, a few hours, before it actually happens.

I feel confused, people confuse me. I think too much. I have a vivid imagination. How do I stop this thinking?

For a start, do not read the Sunday paper after having a prophetic dream.

Especially when I cannot smoke to distract myself.

Today, I wished I could have taken a drive to the sea. It was a beautiful sunny day. Spring is on its way, even though winter has just started. My winter is thawing. I do not remember the last time I felt so contented.

3rd Jan
How can I feel so contrasted from my thoughts on yesterday? I feel so lonely, not all day long, just when came home to an empty house and not having anyone to share this pain with, so heavy my head hurts. I feel so unloved, although I am sure I am.
Managed to go to gym anyway, so rather proud of myself. Motivation is low, but I still did it.
Wish I could find the switch in my head that turns all this loneliness off. Wish I could find a soul. Wish I could feel happy, just for a day or two in a row.

But then I have felt really happy today. I said to Jo that I haven’t ever felt this happy, and yet at the same time I feel so sad. I would love a cuddle. Nisha is away at Simon’s house. The freedom is nice. The freedom is so limiting too. Wish I had a car, could drive down to the sea.
Wish R had texted me. Didn’t contact him today. Not sure about all this, it’s like a game.

I hate my self pity! Where is the switch? I pray for healing from this self-pity. It only makes myself detest me more.

Thank you, diary, for listening.

4th Jan
When a door closes, a window opens.
My mum used to say that.
That’s how I feel at the moment.
It’s been a good day. Nisha was away at Simon’s all night. It was nice to wake up of my own accord and only have to get myself ready, I was out of the house within half an hour of waking, it is good to feel that free. I felt really happy and free all day. I went shopping, un-shopping got some real bargains which always cheers me up. Got Nisha a lovely school pinafore. Got a chrome kitchen clock and some great underwear that I feel fantastic in. I could’ve kept shopping for ages longer if only I had someone to carry round my bags. Shopping is such good exercise. Must get myself a pedometer to find out how many steps I do. Got home at half 3, feeling rather strange, probably to do with the fact I didn’t have a thing to eat all day, just a cup of tea and a cup of de-caf coffee, a glass of iced water.
Si and Nisha were back not long after and I helped Si to move out some of his things. Strange to think that I thought I would be in tears in a corner when that happened. It is so freeing to have the space. Breathing is easier. I hope it all remains this friendly between us.
Nisha had a good time with her Daddy. She left Barbie Rapunzel behind and was very upset by this. Tomorrow I’ll take her in to town and get it back, and treat her to a new toy. And get the rest of her uniform.
R texted me! That brightened my day. He wants to take me for a night in a hotel near Exeter. Worried he will think I’m a loose woman.
Mind going in to overdrive, maybe he’s the one! Certainly the closest so far.
But trying to keep head, keep in the moment, not dream.
But can’t sleep, hence all this writing!

6th Jan
Watching tsunami reports. It’s so sobering after the New Year’s celebrations. Which seem like days ago.
I feel so full of empathy for the suffering of others. Watching the news can bring me to tears, does make me cry.
A man, searching hopelessly for his four children and wife, in the wreckage, arms held up to heaven in desperation. What would God say to his prayers?
Why has such a God designed such a faulty world? What does it all mean? Is this life a game, like we are characters in the Sims? Does God laugh, cry, or just watch?

“Maybe he was just too perfect to be in this world?” What a father says about his dead son.

9th Jan
Had date with R last night. Was so manic all day, so amazingly nervous.
Was going to cancel, it was such a horrible feeling. With hindsight, and although I have been trying my hardest not to imagine futures, to try and stay in the moment, the nerves came from the feeling that I may have been meeting my future husband, finding a perfect relationship, man-of-my-dreams, with a whirlwind romance where suddenly I have a new life, happiness, security, a house, a car, a career, love.
It didn’t go well. I could not in my memory see R’s face, it was a total blank. I thought it was more handsome than in real life. As soon as I see him, I remember. He gives me a kiss on both cheeks. He has a great smile but his shirt is awful, a white one covered in small lilac flowers I think, I don’t want to look at it too much to find out. It’s tucked into his jeans. His body is chunkier than I remember, too muscular. I don’t find this attractive either. But I think that he just needs styling, most men do. So I don’t run out of Coolings Wine Bar! He orders wine, I drink fast and open my packet of cigarettes.
He talks and talks. He interrupts me. But it’s fun. We stay a couple of hours, then we go for something to eat at ASK. Really tasty fiorentina and salad. Then he comes back here. I didn’t want him to so I tell him I’m a bit annoyed that he hasn’t made other arrangements. As soon as we get through the door, he’s kissing and undressing me. I’m not interested. We don’t have sex. I’m glad of that. But he sleeps in my bed. We don’t cuddle. It’s nice to know how much I just wanted the bed to myself. I even take a sleeping tablet as I don’t want to have to lie awake. Oh my god, how awful is that! Lots of lessons to be learnt here! Just say no! Physical attraction, a spark very important. I will not do this again. It makes me feel like shit!
All day felt quite relaxed but ended up wanting Si back. I do love him, his cuddles.
R left a bottle of Moet in fridge for me. Oh dear, he tried too hard. Oh, to be able to erase and turn back clock!
But feel like I’m living, learning, and I am loving this newness. Didn’t realise that am still a dreamer, have been trying so hard to stay in the moment and the possibilities are amazing when you do this.
His wet footprint on the bathroom mat making me feel sick. I have to get a new rug!
Can’t wait till a little success happens so can crack open the Moet!
Must stop dreaming.
At least it all gives good writing material. Don’t want to date for a while anyhow. Rebound!

13th Jan
Today I had my first bad day, and I’m really happy about it.
This may sound strange but the fact I’ve had a bad day means that I’ve been having good days! It means that I’m actually having days, I mean, that I’m staying in the moment, rather than dreaming about my future and wishing the day away.
So here’s what went wrong:-

locked myself out of house as couldn’t find keys and was too late to spend time finding them.
went into town to get Si’s keys, he didn’t have them.
had to go shopping again.
just wanted to sleep but couldn’t get home.
got £60 speeding fine and 3 points, for when I drove hire car.

Doesn’t seem that bad now.
Missed Si all day too.
Realised that he must have had days all this time but I never realised.
Anyway, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

17th Jan 05
Started my new job in the gallery the other day. It was really great to feel so independent and to earn some money. I love the environment. I get to eat loads of chocolates and chips and pastries, which must be stopped a.s.a.p.
The problem is that now I’m finally working I want Si even more. I feel as though I’ve discovered that Si is a person with his own life. I can see this as I suddenly feel as though I have my own independent life.
When I walked through the door he was cooking for us, Nisha was watching TV, dressed in her uniform. It was domestic bliss for a second, until I realised that I can’t just throw my arms around him and feel his body next to mine and kiss him.
Feeling so together and so independent has left this one need unfulfilled – physical contact, making love.
Healing.
I feel this wanting for Simon deep in my stom(ache) but I can’t say anything. I won’t until it bursts out of me.
I wish he’d say for a change.
It would make me love him even more.
I’m not going to worry.
Just going to wait.

23rd Jan
Si and I went out for dinner last night. I dressed up in black boots, knee length button through denim skirt, crochet top. I wore my hair all down. I felt really beautiful. Si wore cardi I bought him and his dark jeans. He looked really good.
I was dying to kiss him, to hold his hand. We went to Old Timers, had an intimate table for two. It was so friendly, Si was so chatty. All that I wanted to say did burst out of me. I was asking Si if he fancied anyone. Then after he said “no” I said “Not even me?” He said “no.” I really, honestly was thinking he would say yes. He really, honestly thought that we were just going out for dinner as friends. It was all good natured. I told him I really loved him. He said “But are you in love with me?” I answered “Yes, I am.” He seemed to be quite taken aback by this and was silent for a while.
He told me he no longer feels that way, it’s too late. I told him how amazingly different I feel about love and life, how I wanted to make love to him, to love him.
We talked for an hour, he saying he didn’t feel that way, me saying we had to try.
Finally, he said he’d come back with me. We left the restaurant and the two minute walk to the bus stop was so perfect. I was so happy. We kiss as we wait for the bus. I pressed my body against his. I am dying to make love. It is so perfect, this moment.
Then he pulls away, he says he must go back to Topsham. I have to sit. He says it will just be sex and he can’t do that to me. My eyes start to cry. My feeling of love turns to emptiness. My stomach aches with emptiness, broken dreams, it hurts. I just want to love him.

“So I crawl back into your open arms.”
I miss you.
I just want to love you.
Please let me love you.
I’m not going to hurt you.
I’m not going to break your heart.

I was lost. I didn’t know about this love, this feeling.
I need to be held.
I need to be kissed.
I need to be with you to get through it all. Please come back and take away this pain, the emptiness. We should be together. We need to love each other. We need to love Nisha, be a family, cocoon ourselves in love. Love is the answer. I never knew. I never understood. I never felt it. I never meant to hurt you. I never felt enough love from you as I didn’t have enough love in myself, for myself. Nothing you would have done would ever be enough. Just come back to me. Let me love you. Love me.
I don’t blame myself. I never knew. I’d never felt this love within me before.
Please let us try. We need to.

24th Jan
I thought today was going to be horrible. I managed to get to bed with only rubbing my face a teeny bit, lightly, no damage. My left eye I rub in the morning so it’s a bit red.
I am very proud of myself for this. The emotion of last night would have tipped me way over the edge a couple of months ago. I would have taken life out on myself.
Last night, late, I send Si a text message. It reads:-

I need you so much. I’m sorry for all the hurt of the past. I was lost. I just want us to love each other, be a family. Please come back to me. I love you x

I receive no reply.
An hour later, I decide to phone him. Four rings and his phone is switched off. This causes extreme paranoia. I imagine he is in bed having sex with Marsh (his landlady). If he is, I feel glad that it’s put me in his head. I try to calm down. I tell my head he may be sleeping. I try not to freak out, try to be philosophical.
‘Set him free. If he comes back your love was meant to be.’
I smoke cigarettes, have a bit of wine. Then I get to bed, nervous of tomorrow.
Today has been good, punctuated with little stomach knots and churns when I think of Si, maybe or maybe not with Marsh. But I feel calm, I will stay in this moment and in this moment I am safe.
I take Nisha to school, talk to Jo on the way about it all, talk to Sarah on the way back. I decide to paint Nisha’s room. That takes up an hour. I sing along to U2. Then I buy a book at the charity shop ‘Secrets of relationship success’ which I read half of throughout the day. It is stuff I know but needed reminding of.
Then I apply to a job, ‘Write-on-Dads’ at Exeter Prison, then I go to the gym as I feel so excited I feel I may explode I have so much energy.
Then I go to Carols, where Nisha is staying for dinner. We talk. I really like her. Then Susan and Isabella come here. Then I write this! Jam packed day. Think I’ll be okay. But how I just want to share all this with Si, talk about our days, share the amazing full moon in the sky as we cuddle up in the cold winter ice night, that would be a perfect day.

27th Jan
Had first day at work all on my own today. It went really well. On the bus home I finished reading my book, put on some blusher and lip gloss and perfume and came home to Si and Nisha. He’d picked her up from school. I had asked him to feed Nisha but he hadn’t. He had fallen asleep in the chair. My happy mood turned into fed-up-ness and I’ve been battling with it all evening. Is Simon making me feel like this? Are we incompatible or does this happen to test me?
I got to thinking that he is seeing Marsh. I asked him how he was getting on without Jake being in the house (he is in San Tropez, so it is just Si and her in the house). On asking, he smiled this little smile as though things were brilliant, then quickly said how he’d been missing Jake a bit and then he talked lots about Marsh. I was dying to ask him if what I thought is true is true, but not wanting to risk hurt before a day at work tomorrow I didn’t.
I will see him again tomorrow and I will ask him.
I just hope I sleep tonight. I am so very tired, lonely a bit.
When these feelings come I feel like they’ll never go away.
But tomorrow is another day.

28 Jan 05
The hardest thing about the change in me is that I have so much love to give and no love to give it to. I can concentrate on my friends and family and wonderful Nisha. And me!

30th Jan
Survived another day! Today I felt so lonely. It is the one feeling I find so hard to distract myself from. It has been a feeling I have had for so many years. The thought of it never going away makes me wonder the point in going on with this living thing.
But that is not living in the moment.
Si came round this afternoon and we had dinner, as a family. We had a wonderful cuddle as he left. He said he really needed one. Me too. I didn’t say anything to him about it all. I told him I felt lonely.
I’m okay now though.
After all, tomorrow is another day.