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Dream

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I dreamt of him the other night…

He has not visited me in my sleep for a while.
This time he has signed up to a rehab type course, for drinking too much.
I am to be his voluntary mentor.
He has specifically asked for me.

Slightly aged, it has been ten years since I saw him, fatter.
Dark eyes still cheeky, that grin,
but less sparkle.
time has dimmed his shine.

I am slightly reluctant to help. Not sure why.
But still I wake happy to have seen him. I bask in the memory of the dream when I wake. But I do not dread my real life anymore, not at the moment.

And so if he is me, my animus as Jung would of called him, my power animal in human form, my soul come to visit me as I dream, reunited, telling me where I am now on my Journey… in recovery from abusing myself, trying to find that shine in my eyes again…

Twenty things to do instead of panic or self harm (inner or outer)

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1. Scream. Even if it is a “silent scream” as I call them, as you are too embarrassed or worried to let someone hear you. Take a big breathe in right down into your lower tummy and then slowly, slowly breathe it out as though you are actually making a screaming noise. Keep going until there is no breath left. Sometimes, if your lucky, you may find there is laughter at the end of a few silent screams.
2. Practice breathing. There are apps to help you. 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out… Whilst doing this tell yourself a positive saying… “I am doing extremely well” was a helpful one of mine (my self harm sometimes was due to utter frustration and feeling stuck, trapped and hopeless).
3. Pamper yourself. Wash hair, have bath, indulge your senses. Paint your nails, groom. I have noticed that underneath the self harm desire is a further, deeper desire for self care. Be kind to your skin.
4. Jump, hop, run, walk. Physical exercise really helps, but I do appreciate that it could make you feel more alone. On a recent forced walk I met a man who only had one leg. I am now so grateful for my two.
5. Have a cup of tea. Really make it well, slowly, watching every action and thankful for every step. Be thankful for every sip. Imagine every sip brings you peace. You need to have inner peace before any other peace happens.
6. Make soup. Chopping up lots of vegetables and making something nutritious is such good therapy. (Be careful with the knife if it is a trigger for you.)
7. Phone a friend, if your lucky phone your family. But be very careful who you talk to. I believe there is such truth in the saying that “before you diagnose yourself with anxiety or depression, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.”  Make plans with a friend in advance, for the times when you know you struggle. Yes, i understand faking it may make the panic worse at times, but sometimes it will help to go out. Please please please remember to have a plan b. And a plan c. Planning will help you control this overwhelming feeling more. People can be so terrible at cancelling and you will think they are such assholes for it. Try not to take it personally,  it happens, and you will do it to others too at some point. If and when this happens I believe it is the universe challenging you to get through the storm alone.
8. Go to a shop, treat yourself to something. You do utterly deserve it.
9. Go to the park and look at a tree top blowing in the breeze. Think about the roots. Imagine yourself rooted and grounded. If you can take of your shoes and walk in the grass. This is Grounding.
10. Sit on the ground and look up at the sky. See how the clouds move and are always moving. The sky is always perfect and always moving. Imagine yourself put your worries into the cloud and see the worries drift away. Repeat as necessary.
 11. Pray. Even if you don’t believe. You could start by just being thankful for things like food to eat, clothes to wear, air to breathe.12. Distract yourself on Facebook, unless it makes you feel worse. Fakebook, as I prefer to call it, can be a hideous place when you are lonely. But there are some amazing groups on there that can really help you feel supported. I recently joined “surviving the narcissistic ex partner” and “empaths and survivors of sociopathy”. Al-anon has also been so amazing for its non Judgemental ways and ability to empathise.
12. Put on the news, unless it makes you feel worse. Remembering you are on a planet can utterly freak out some people and utterly put things in context for others.
13. Read or listen to an audiobook or podcast. There is some super information out there. You are not alone.
14. Draw, paint or write write write. Buy a journal, get a pen and just write, from where you are now and how you are now and where you would like to be. We can only start from where we are now. Journaling is such an important tool to help gain self awareness and tune you in to synchronicity. YOU are the main character in your own story. You matter. Scribble hard on the pages, rip the pages instead of your skin. This worked wonders for me and helped me see the anger that was causing a lot of the harm. Then i just turned over the ruined pages and carried on. Hurting my skin took two weeks to heal.
15. Put on your favourite film, one that you can not be unhappy to.
16. Clean a room and declutter.
17. Music. Make a playlist of songs that make you feel nothing but connected and upbeat. Coldplay has got me through some very tough, isolated moments. Thank you for the music.
18. Make an appointment with your doctor. Never thought I would say this but medication helps and does have its place.
19. Drink a glass on water. You can not be in fight or flight when you drink a glass or water.
20. Make your own list of things that help you and make you happy, peaceful and grateful. make sure you do things on the list.

I hope he wins

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i was never into voting. then russell brand came along and said something like “dont vote” and i was like yeah i understand that. and then he said  “give us something decent to vote for”, and i agreed. and then enter stage left Mr. Jeremy Corbyn…. the only politician who is so unpoliticianny that i feel he is real, authentic, GENUINE. He is amazing. Even if he does not manage to keep all the promises, you know in his heart he would really like to. so today I am voting labour. and i will pray i wake up in the morning and things are changed. that my 17 year old and other young people will not have to be 50k in debt if she goes to uni, that i or anyone else won’t have to worry too much about paying for health care, i dont really want the extra bank holidays as i have to fight panic attacks from them, but yes yes yes make the fat cats pay tax, feed the little children breakfast and lunch at school, listen more, stop the bombs and make this world a better place. wish i could add a picture here of Corbyn riding a unicorn and shooting rainbow beams out his hands, but i have not yet worked out how to add pictures.

July 2005

July 2005

2nd July
Met gorgeous man last night!
I hope I gave him right phone number!
He likes James and is spiritual and just wants peace and quiet, plus he is a wonderful kisser. He plays guitar and writes songs but he works in carpentry, his own business, he seems pretty loaded!

He didn’t call. I’m so sure I gave him wrong number. If I did he would think I’m not interested, if I didn’t then he’s not interested. I think I will look him up and ask if I gave wrong number.
What the hell is there to lose?
But he liked (loved) James, U2, wanted peace and quiet, was so sexy, man we kissed so good! He was a gentleman, he is a hard worker, spiritual, surfer, has dreams, I was looking so great how could he not be interested?
Please God, let me work this one out!

LIVE AID?
3rd
Had Paul Evans dream, though for the first time I’ve not woken feeling happy.
We are together, well not together but we are kind of together. I get the feeling I like him more than he does me. We are in his flat, a 1st floor regency style one, with two bathrooms. We are kind of just friends but we end up having sex and it’s great. It happens a few more times but I start to get the impression
I’m being used. Plus he has two cats, so he really isn’t perfect!
Oh dear, how funny to have a dream that isn’t all I dreamt it would be.

4th
Have been so ill today, sore throat like never before and shivers and aches and pains all over. Couldn’t stop crying at one point 
Tried to get hold of that guy’s number but no success. Oh dear, it is so perplexing and so wonderful, such a good story but all I want is to see him and talk to him as I keep feeling it wasn’t real, like meeting an angel.
I keep telling myself it did happen.
Being so ill and dosed up isn’t helping my thoughts.
Dear God, the universe, let our paths cross again in the next week.
SPACE FOR HOSPITAL WRISTBAND

5th
Admitted to hospital today!
Can you believe it?
Got quinsy throat or glandular fever. On a drip as can’t swallow.
It’s amazing how we normally take such things for granted, something as simple as swallowing. How I miss it!
Maybe this infection if proof that I did kiss that guy the other night!
There is a sexy doctor here, shame I look so awful!

– London wins Olympic bid 2012
6th
Still here. My life is crazy. Have been in contemplation of death as earlier on today I felt that awful, not that I could die but what if I just did die here, this time, in the hospital, from a sore throat. For a start, I am not ready to die so it won’t happen. I do think it would make ever-so self pitying and self absorbed stuff for my book. No friends have come to visit me today. I hate that. Am feeling very self-centred. Perhaps that’s the way you should be when fighting an infection.
Anti-b’s are slow to respond. Still can’t eat, but constipated so still got pot belly. Is there no justice in this world?
Still feel like I’m tripping, but can’t speak, can’t see and am in pain so I guess it’s normal and feel out of it with so many of my senses fucked up.
Nisha came in to see me. I just cried. I couldn’t stand seeing her little face full of worry at seeing her mother ill, unable to talk. So I bloody well cry to make her feel even worse. Couldn’t control it. Si was taking the piss out of my voice and though he was trying to cheer me up, it made me feel so sorry for myself.
Please, God, help me be better tomorrow.

7th
38 dead, 700 injured. All frightened. G8. Bombs in London, on buses and on underground, Piccadilly and Kings Cross.
Start the day still dying, awful night.
The doc says he wants to take some bloods to find out if I have a blood infection.

That’s it, it’s over, I am dying. I relax at the thought. All I want is a glass of iced water. I feel my soul rise out of my body, I am dying… I am terrified. My temp. is rife. I lie back to feel the coolness of the fan and drift in and out of consciousness and dreams. I creatively visualise I am on a beach, Nisha is playing somewhere and Graham is surfing.
<—- the guy who did not call
I am so chilled and peaceful with a glass of iced water in hand and a jug of water by my side.
I am happy, drifting, in the moment.
I start to imagine my good cells busting the bad ones. An hour later I feel much better. And I keep getting better all day.
By evening I listen to some music and feel like dancing around, so happy to be alive and listening to music that makes me want to move.
Si comes in with Nisha and I get him to read the story all about my night with Graham. He is evasive but does so.
Then he says
“what colour was his sports car?”
“silver”, I say though I’m just guessing. He said he saw a light blue TVR Tuscany with white leather seats outside the charity shop earlier on today.
Oh my God.
Thank you for helping me find strength to beat this infection. I was so scared.
Thank you. Please look after the families of those killed and injured in London, please bring courage to all who live there . . .
Thank you for the day, for the care of nurses.
All that I pray for is for my path to cross that of Graham, preferably tomorrow!

9th July
My life is brilliant
My love is pure

Finally felt a bit more normal today, I feel beautiful and so lucky to be alive.
Still worried about a couple of little things that I will talk to the doc about tomorrow. But it’s off for bed now, rest, maybe dream of Graham!
Thank you God for each day.
Please help me to feel even better tomorrow and stay so full of love and have a wonderful time with my wonderful, beautiful daughter.

10th
“got to ask yourself the question – where are you now?” James Blunt

A little bit in space, body still a little bit sore, but getting so much better every day. Feel like I am in limbo. Not sure what move to make next and so am so totally focused in the present moment, healing, taking each swallow at a time, that I don’t really care where I’m going. I do still want to write my book. I feel like it’s coming to a happy ending to be honest, but then at pretty much the same time I’m concerned that an ending may not be near, an ending to this love story anyway, and I’m a bit sick of it dragging on.
This is what I would love the happy ending to be . . .
I get better and either bump in to Graham or he comes to find me at work on Saturday. We hit it off big style again and live happily ever after with a peaceful, quiet and loving life.
I am myself with him, my best self, and I go on to finish the book all about a search for love.
Sometimes I think it’s gonna be huge!
Sometimes I think I’ll never meet anyone who I connect with as well as I did with Graham.
Will need to wait and see and heal myself in the meantime. It’s a very nice place I am at anyway.
I definitely believe in an eternal soul.* The people who came to entice mine away were kind, so that’s a good thing. It’s probably just all the drugs open up windows to what we’re conscious of, then I go believe in an eternal soul.

*when super ill in hospital I really felt people trying to pull my life
out of the top of my body

13th July
Bit more on the planet today. Beaver is Graham!
I can’t believe some news I had yesterday. Kayell found out that Beaver is skint, doesn’t own his own business, drives a people carrier, is married with two kids.
I can’t believe it.
I am so stunned.
Was gonna go down to the site where he works just to find out the truth, some of it he can’t have made up. That’s what I was going to do this morning so I walked in to town and took back loads of stuff that I bought the other day and exhausted myself so bloody much that I’m now sitting down in Dingles writing this.

I really thought I had met someone. How ironic that the one time I go out feeling fab about myself, knowing who I am, that I meet a guy who I think I totally connect with, who totally blows me away and it turns out he’s a fake!

What an amazingly interesting character for my book! What on earth shall I call him? (Beaver)
But I wish I felt better to go down there. He can’t have made it all up, the stuff about the Crypt, was that all?
And, did he have some contagious throat disease . . .???
Did I give him the wrong phone number . . .???
It hasn’t sunk in, I don’t believe it, I want to go down there but I’m not well enough to.
Oh God, an end to this love search please!
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I guess the thing about demons is that sometimes
they disguise themselves as angels
(written on bus, hence wobbly)
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15th
Still can’t believe it about Beaver, I really can’t.
Went to work, was ok, pretty good actually. Worried about my eye.
Exhausted. <—by U2
Put on ‘Beautiful Day’, started thinking about Paul again.
Must write the story from my viewpoint now.
Getting better every day.
Thank you God x

15th
Had to go to A & E for my eye!
Can you believe it?! But it was just an eye lash rubbing against my eye.

So how does this love thing end?

Been getting on really well with Si, do we get back together?

Jim moves round the corner next week . . .
– a different Paul!
Does Paul split with Charlotte and want me?

Was it a case of mistaken identity with Beaver?

Will P.E. write me a letter?

Will I bump into the sexy doc?

Will it be someone totally new?

Who knows! Wait and see.

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What I need from love . . .

someone to hold me and make love to me in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and fear is taking hold
someone who can take care of themselves
someone to take me and Nisha out of this place

“You thought you’d found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone to lend a hand
In return for grace”
But it’s a beautiful day.
Don’t let it get away.
Bono

“What you don’t have you don’t need it now”.

16th
Thought might win lottery, didn’t!
Went out with Cheri and Omar and Nisha. Bumped in to Jim, didn’t even recognise him. We chatted briefly, so glad I was looking so very hot and confident. Weird though. He chatted to Nisha but didn’t seem that interested. Didn’t fancy him. How funny.
– that’s cos he is horrible!

17th
Been out today till 3, came over all tired and my amazingly good mood turned to paranoia and self-doubt.
How I wish I had a real love to help me when my own self love falters. That’s why Jim was so great.
Funny to have gone from on-top-of-the-world-I-can-achieve-all-my-dreams to self-doubt – you really are delusional – in the same day. I think it’s due to my friends who really seem to knock me down, or ground me some might say.
I do need someone to remind me I can fly.

18th
Ill again, right side of throat.
Feel alone and worried, scared of the aloneness and the fact I felt like I was going to die last time.
Is there any point believing in dreams? I can’t believe I am ill again.
Why is this happening?
I am having a crisis of faith in myself.
Back on anti-biotics, caught it earlier this time.
Is this happening because my faith in myself shifted yesterday?
My ego came back, I needed compliments and reassurance from others rather than believing in myself. My friends don’t seem to believe. I should keep it all to myself.
I wish I could move back to East Sussex.
Would that be a good thing to do? For me yes but for Nisha?
Please God let these drugs work overnight so I feel a bit better tomorrow.
Please God, help me to believe in my happy ending.
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This is a time for healing and peace.
I don’t plan to write in this diary for a while.

Later . . .
Watch ‘Sex and City’
“When will waiting for the one . . . be done?”

Paul Brunton, Vol 16
“The effects of enlightenment include; an imperturbable detachment from outer possessions, rank, honours, and persons, an overwhelming certainty about truth, a carefree, heavenly peace above all disturbances and vicissitudes; an acceptance of the general rightness of the universal situation, with each entity and each event playing its role; and impeccable sincerity which says what it means and means what it says”.

“freed from obsession with the past as well as anticipation of the future, he will regard each day as unique and live through it as if he were here for the first time”.
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Gorgeous man
<— on way from work
it started going wrong when I didn’t talk to the man on the bus
the wanting to win the lottery
the bragging about my voice (which I’m wondering will return as throat so different now) * *after my throat thing I could sing so
well - Jo took power!
the boredom on the Sunday

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PB “Changes in the functioning of man’s mind could bring about such complete changes in his sense of time that he could veritably find himself imbued with the sense of eternity . . .

PB “The realised man does not look back constantly for memories of the past and does not consider them worth recapitulating, for they belong to the ego and they are blotted out with the blocking out of the ego’s tyranny.
The only exception would be where he has to draw upon them to instruct others to help them profit by his experiences.
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full moon tonight
Please let this past full-moon cycle of illness come to an end and leave me strong and full of wonder for my brilliant life.
23rd
Maybe today has just been a bad day (not bad, it’s been ok but the magic has gone again). Maybe it’s PMT. I just don’t know where my story is going.
I’m trying to write through it, write down what life is like without magic and belief. It does help.
Tomorrow will wake up, make myself look beautiful and be filled with wonder at what could happen.

24th
Couldn’t wake up, sore neck, ill and weak all day.
When will this end?
Losing faith in myself and my dreams.

25th
When I think back to last Monday, when I felt so free to be me, so beautiful, shopping for clothes that reflect who I am, my voice strong and saying what I want and what I feel, singing along to the songs in the shops with a powerful
– Jo says that ‘sore throats can affect hearing’
voice, until Jo cuts me down to size and I start feeling really tired and ‘wrong’. Next morning, sore throat and self doubt set in.
Will I ever get back there to the beauty and love? Was I a fool to believe in it? All I know is I was happy then.
Fuck Jo and Kayell and all the other so-called friends who clip my wings.
I don’t need them, they are not there for me. I will show them love, respect and positivity but will expect nothing in return.

29th
Seem to be in inertia. I hate it. Why does it have to be up and down and up and down?
I don’t believe in myself or my story and I hate it.
What I want is this:-
to be able to do the MA course
to move away
to really be with someone
to believe in myself again
In no particular order
‘you wonder if your chance
Will ever come
you’re stuck in square one’